I just don't understand it. I have feelings and hurt and sadness all over again. Where did this come from? How is it nine months later and I'm still trying to get through this?? It was only a 2 year, on and off, relationship. We weren't married, we weren't living together, we didn't even say those three words until the last month of the relationship. I don't know how people who were more invested than I was get through this shit! I've been just fine for sooo long, and suddenly I'm nauseous and fighting back tears again. I guess I'll explain in a little bit more detail what brought this all on.
Last week I texted ex. I wanted to find where we had gotten the gift we got when his nephew was born. When he texted me back he said, "You're not pregnant are you??" and said that he was nervous when I didn't respond back right away. I replied that no, I wasn't pregnant, my sister was, and why would that make him nervous? It couldn't be his unless I was popping out a baby like now. He said that he wasn't worried about that he just couldn't imagine me having a baby out of wedlock. oooookk...well, then he said "hey, are you living with a dude? I thought I saw that somewhere" I told him yes, I that I moved to *insert suburb* about 2 months ago. So he responded, "This is none of my business but are you just living with him or dating him?" I told him he was just my roommate I met a couple of people on a website and liked his place and area the best and he's cool so it's working out well. He was just like oh that's cool.
Okay so that conversation was weird but whatever.
Fast forward a few days. I went to the pep rally for the school I used to work at to visit everyone. I saw a bunch of my old students and one of my very first students told me he was playing in the basketball game that evening and asked if I would come to watch. So I decided after I got out of work I could run back over there (not far from my current job) and see my kiddos play. When I got there ex was there. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that he might go to the game. I kind of thought it would be possible to run into him earlier in the day at the pep rally but I just didn't think anything about the game. So, for some reason I got super nervous. I've seen him twice since we broke up and they were both very quick stops at his apt to drop something of or pick something up. I really hate that I felt the way I didn't and couldn't control it, but I decided to just try and make things as normal as possible so I walked past and found a seat in the bleachers. I don't know if he saw me or not but I didn't make any eye contact with him the whole game. I walked out after and talked to some of my old colleagues and then went back in for the varsity game. That time it was a lot more crowded and there weren't many open seats. He saw me and said hi, I asked if there was someone sitting in the seat right in front of him and he said ya some girl was so I asked about the seat behind him. It was open so I climbed up between him and someone else and sat right behind him. I was thinking to myself the whole time, we can be normal, we can have a conversation and it won't be weird if we run into each and see each other. I don't know why I continue to kid myself and have such high expectations of him. He actually used to always say that, if I didn't have high expectations I wouldn't be disappointed. Classy right?
Even though I know he has minimal social skills and is horrible at handling uncomfortable situations I still convinced myself we could have a normal conversation and I was mistaken. He didn't look at or talk to me once. Finally after the first quarter I asked him for the score because I couldn't see the scoreboard from my angle. He told me the score and flipped back around. I asked who was ahead, he told me we were and flipped back around. I decided to try and actually start a conversation and asked him how his tutoring was going (something he had mentioned earlier in the week) and he said it was really good...AND flipped back around. Ugh....I was soo frustrated and embarrassed and just decided it was time to go. I had gone to watch the JV game anyway and was meeting a friend that night so wasn't planning on staying for the varsity game anyway.
The final chapter of this little saga, was later that night. My friend came over and we made the mistake of getting on ex"s facebook page. I defriended him early on in the breakup because it was just something I needed to do for me but she was still friends with him. I saw two recent pictures he was tagged in from his friend's wedding. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I saw him with her. I can't even come up with a name to use for her. Well I can think of a lot but I won't go there.
This girl, has been quite possibly the worst thing to come into our relationship. She came along the first time we were broken up. She is not a nice person, has way too many issues, and did not stop pursuing him when he told her he was uninterested because we were going to try dating again. I am not being the girlfriend who blames the "other" girl and lets the guy off the hook. TO MY KNOWLEDGE, he never did anything wrong. We were not together while he was hanging out with her, I had dated other people and we discussed it all openly. He made the decision on his own that he wasn't interested in her and wanted me and I was very happy that I gave him space and let him get there on his own. Well she came up here and there after all of that because as I may have stated in an earlier post, he partook in an activity that I didn't approve of and she was his "provider." I tried so hard to not be a nagging, controlling type of girlfriend so I never told him or asked him to stop doing it or stop getting it from her. I never really regretted that until now. Now that I see her in the picture with him I can't help but wonder what I don't know. And I know it's going to be a huge mistake, but I'm going to email him and ask. To be quite honest, for health reasons, I want to know. I've said before that he was my first and is currently the only so if he was with someone else during our relationship and especially if it was her, I would be very, very concerned.
That's all, I have to stop now because I'm so sick of feeling like this so long after.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Day 229: We're rapidly approaching a year geez
I can't believe it's been 229 days. I can't believe how crazy it sounds to know the exact number haha, but as I've explained in an earlier post, I had to actually go into the calendar and count to figure it out. I'm well past overdue for an update. The point of this thing was for me and my healing process as well as possibly some future entertainment or enlightenment even. Well, I think it's still a little too early to go back and read through it all so I don't know about entertainment or enlightenment yet but I do think it was successful in helping me through the healing process. Writing out my feelings instead of fighting back whether or not to try and talk to him was a great decision. He wasn't my "caring" boyfriend anymore so he was not interested in hearing all of my thoughts and talking out the breakup. But my blog sure was! =)
Well last time I posted I had finally gotten some good karma and things turned around a bit for me. I hadn't had any contact with him whatsoever until Halloween weekend when I drunk texted him. UGH sooo stupid. The weird thing is that I didn't text or seem to have any feelings of reminiscing or anything of a sexual connotation. I quit literally texted him complete and utter nonsense. I will share a close version of that conversation.
Me: "Football duff lobster tooth fairy wohoo"
ex: "haha, are you okay?"
Me: 'Grrrrreat says the tiger"
ex: "holy shit someone's wasted!"
Me: "wasted good"...blah blah blah blah
And the conversation continued with how's the job and so on but I those first two were definitely top marks for quirkiness. Then, the next night, he texted me drunk from the bars. I apparently opened Pandora's box and was not very happy about that. But, I haven't heard from him since then so hopefully that was just a one time bad weekend thing.
Onto a new and better topic: DATING
I know this is titled "Post Breakup" but part of getting through that process is dating again and that's the progression I was interested in looking back on someday in the future.
I think I probably mentioned the one guy my friend wanted me to go out with in an earlier post but he was moving away and so on. That was the first "date." I also of course have had fwb going on in the beginning but that ended in August and we haven't hung out since.
With one of my new part-time jobs I have the opportunity of meeting lots of guys. So one guy asked me for my number and if I wanted to go out with him and some of his friends after I got done at work. I decided I complain too much about not having a social life to say no so I decided to remain open-minded even though in all shallowness he wasn't that cute and was too awkward socially for my liking.
I went, found him even more awkward and unattractive, his grammar was poor, and he offered me pot (why can't I get away from these guys who smoke!). I told thanks but I don't do that. He got all freaked out and started apologizing?? I don't know. I said it wasn't a big deal and I appreciated the offer it was just something I personally wasn't into. I left and on my way home he texted me another apology, gross. So that was that but at least I gave it a shot.
Last Saturday same thing happened again with another guy and I actually was more interested in this one. We ended up actually having a good time and have made plans to go out again. I know I know, lame details but I've spent the past week over-detailing to multiple people and quite honestly I'm tired of it and starting to worry I'm going to talk about it too much and then nothing will happen with it. We're supposed to be doing something on Monday so we'll see and maybe I'll actually get back on here again next week and update!
Well last time I posted I had finally gotten some good karma and things turned around a bit for me. I hadn't had any contact with him whatsoever until Halloween weekend when I drunk texted him. UGH sooo stupid. The weird thing is that I didn't text or seem to have any feelings of reminiscing or anything of a sexual connotation. I quit literally texted him complete and utter nonsense. I will share a close version of that conversation.
Me: "Football duff lobster tooth fairy wohoo"
ex: "haha, are you okay?"
Me: 'Grrrrreat says the tiger"
ex: "holy shit someone's wasted!"
Me: "wasted good"...blah blah blah blah
And the conversation continued with how's the job and so on but I those first two were definitely top marks for quirkiness. Then, the next night, he texted me drunk from the bars. I apparently opened Pandora's box and was not very happy about that. But, I haven't heard from him since then so hopefully that was just a one time bad weekend thing.
Onto a new and better topic: DATING
I know this is titled "Post Breakup" but part of getting through that process is dating again and that's the progression I was interested in looking back on someday in the future.
I think I probably mentioned the one guy my friend wanted me to go out with in an earlier post but he was moving away and so on. That was the first "date." I also of course have had fwb going on in the beginning but that ended in August and we haven't hung out since.
With one of my new part-time jobs I have the opportunity of meeting lots of guys. So one guy asked me for my number and if I wanted to go out with him and some of his friends after I got done at work. I decided I complain too much about not having a social life to say no so I decided to remain open-minded even though in all shallowness he wasn't that cute and was too awkward socially for my liking.
I went, found him even more awkward and unattractive, his grammar was poor, and he offered me pot (why can't I get away from these guys who smoke!). I told thanks but I don't do that. He got all freaked out and started apologizing?? I don't know. I said it wasn't a big deal and I appreciated the offer it was just something I personally wasn't into. I left and on my way home he texted me another apology, gross. So that was that but at least I gave it a shot.
Last Saturday same thing happened again with another guy and I actually was more interested in this one. We ended up actually having a good time and have made plans to go out again. I know I know, lame details but I've spent the past week over-detailing to multiple people and quite honestly I'm tired of it and starting to worry I'm going to talk about it too much and then nothing will happen with it. We're supposed to be doing something on Monday so we'll see and maybe I'll actually get back on here again next week and update!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Day 153: Wow
It's probably a good sign that it took a lot of work to figure out the number for my title and that it's been so long since I've updated. But, I'm not doing this for the viewers (obviously, haha, I don't think there are any) I'm doing this for me so, I decided it's time to update. Last time I posted I described the horrific scene with ex where I managed to lose all sense of how to be cool and breezy. Well, although nothing else is going well for me right now someone out there decided to give me a "redo" and thank goodness for that! Ex called me to tell me that he had come across a chair of mine. I completely forgot that I gave it to them forever ago when they were short on living room furniture. I happened to be on his side of town anyway that evening so I told his I'd stop by after to pick it up. I made sure I looked and felt confident before going over there and was FINALLY able to pull off breezy! Ha, it actually wasn't hard, I didn't have to try, or fake it, I really did feel confident and completely over things so I guess that's what came across. He on the other hand, not so breezy my friend. I was literally smiling when I got into my car after because he was so awkward and seemed nervous. I cannot stress how good that felt.
I suppose it's about time now for this blog to transition into a dating blog instead of a post-up. It has been 153 days, apparently, and I'm back in the country, so no excuses anymore, time to get out there (aside from the fact that I'm currently living with the 'rents so I'm not full out attempting to date until I get my own place). However, I did have one date. Friend set me up with her colleague and it went really well. Only problem was about a week before the date he had accepted a job back in his home state and was moving. So, we knew going into it that it wouldn't really go anywhere and we were able to just hang out with friend and her bf and have a good time.
I've also been hanging out a lot with bgf (best-guy friend). We've known each other since middle school and at some point after college started to become fwb off and on. As soon as I got back into the country, we started hanging out and per our typical style, started messing around again. It's weird because we ALWAYS end up doing this, yet we've never tried just regular old dating, haha. I adore him and value his friendship enormously and hate that we always eff it up with our damn hormones. So we talked and decided that we're too good of friends to let it get all muddled and need to halt the physical activity. To be entirely too honest (lord help me if anyone I know actually stumbled upon this), doing "stuff" with him just made me think a lot of ex, unfortunately. He was a fixer-upper in a lot of areas on how to be a good boyfriend but that just wasn't one of them. The guy had skills and you can't help but compare when someone new comes along. What if I start dating someone I really like, but he's just not as good as ex? Ugh, that would suck (no pun intended, ha!) I had zero experience in this regard prior to ex and surprisingly that isn't a conversation I've had with my friends even though we talk about everything. So, I'm really curious how this will play out in my future.
And that was day 100-153
I suppose it's about time now for this blog to transition into a dating blog instead of a post-up. It has been 153 days, apparently, and I'm back in the country, so no excuses anymore, time to get out there (aside from the fact that I'm currently living with the 'rents so I'm not full out attempting to date until I get my own place). However, I did have one date. Friend set me up with her colleague and it went really well. Only problem was about a week before the date he had accepted a job back in his home state and was moving. So, we knew going into it that it wouldn't really go anywhere and we were able to just hang out with friend and her bf and have a good time.
I've also been hanging out a lot with bgf (best-guy friend). We've known each other since middle school and at some point after college started to become fwb off and on. As soon as I got back into the country, we started hanging out and per our typical style, started messing around again. It's weird because we ALWAYS end up doing this, yet we've never tried just regular old dating, haha. I adore him and value his friendship enormously and hate that we always eff it up with our damn hormones. So we talked and decided that we're too good of friends to let it get all muddled and need to halt the physical activity. To be entirely too honest (lord help me if anyone I know actually stumbled upon this), doing "stuff" with him just made me think a lot of ex, unfortunately. He was a fixer-upper in a lot of areas on how to be a good boyfriend but that just wasn't one of them. The guy had skills and you can't help but compare when someone new comes along. What if I start dating someone I really like, but he's just not as good as ex? Ugh, that would suck (no pun intended, ha!) I had zero experience in this regard prior to ex and surprisingly that isn't a conversation I've had with my friends even though we talk about everything. So, I'm really curious how this will play out in my future.
And that was day 100-153
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Day 100: Holy Crap
100 days sounds like sooo long. Okay, so, I'm back home. I just got back last week and now I really have to deal with this breakup. I was dealing with it before, somewhat, but now I'm back in familiar, memory-filled territory and I really have to face the music. I knew this was coming and I knew it'd be hard.
Today I took ex the last of his stuff. I told him that I was coming today and he gave me some ridiculous response about "I'm sure I could make some time..." Whatever, I decided not to comment on that and just take it and be done with it. As I said before, I wanted to go somewhere to do it but he wasn't keen on that idea. So finally I just took it to his apartment. I tried so hard to be cool, do the right thing, not be emotional, blah blah blah, and I failed...miserably. My first mistake was in being so determined to get his stuff to him. Why? I can't even answer that. I had his laptop. If he wanted it back he could have come to me for it. I should have told him that and just held onto it. But I hated that I had that tie to him and just wanted to be rid of it. Then, he got his way, as usual, and I came to him, he didn't even have to leave his apartment. I told myself that I could be cool, say hello, be breezy and leave. I didn't want to go inside at all.
SO what happens when I get there? I drop the wireless mouse and it hits the door on the way to the ground before the usb, cover, and battery all pop off of it. As I'm picking up the pieces and trying to hold onto the other stuff he apparently heard the ruckus and opens the door. Well, there goes cool. I pick it all up and start to hand it to him and drop the charger. Jesus. I pray to God he didn't see how bad my hands were shaking when I picked that up. I look inside and to make matters worse, he has a friend over. A male friend, whom I know, but nonetheless someone is there to witness my lack of breeziness.
I cannot explain what came over me but I was pissed. I'm pretty sure he asked me something and I answered but I couldn't tell you what. I had to get out of there. I walked back to my car and was in tears before I made it inside. UGH! So stupid. I felt like he invited over a friend to have as a buffer for the awkward situation, making it even more awkward for me. It astounds me, after 2 years, and after as caring as he was and aware of my feelings for the last 8 months or so, that he can be so uncaring now. I was in fact so pissed about this that I made yet another wrong choice and called him. From the parking lot of his complex. I tried to explain how difficult he was making this and ask why he was acting the way he was and all I could get out of him was that he was afraid if we got into a conversation I would start asking questions and want him to talk about things. His way of dealing with stuff is to ignore it and it will go away so heaven forbid we have a conversation about how we're both doing now.
I desperately need to get over this need I have to talk to him about it. I don't need to rehash any of the reasons behind the breakup, and I don't want anything from him, I definitely don't want to get back together, but for some reason I do want to go to him with my feelings and him to do the same. Not gonna happen. He's a guy, and he's made it clear that he's not interested in doing that. I need to forget the guy he was when we were together and get it into my thick skull that this person with zero compassion is who he is now and move on.
Today I took ex the last of his stuff. I told him that I was coming today and he gave me some ridiculous response about "I'm sure I could make some time..." Whatever, I decided not to comment on that and just take it and be done with it. As I said before, I wanted to go somewhere to do it but he wasn't keen on that idea. So finally I just took it to his apartment. I tried so hard to be cool, do the right thing, not be emotional, blah blah blah, and I failed...miserably. My first mistake was in being so determined to get his stuff to him. Why? I can't even answer that. I had his laptop. If he wanted it back he could have come to me for it. I should have told him that and just held onto it. But I hated that I had that tie to him and just wanted to be rid of it. Then, he got his way, as usual, and I came to him, he didn't even have to leave his apartment. I told myself that I could be cool, say hello, be breezy and leave. I didn't want to go inside at all.
SO what happens when I get there? I drop the wireless mouse and it hits the door on the way to the ground before the usb, cover, and battery all pop off of it. As I'm picking up the pieces and trying to hold onto the other stuff he apparently heard the ruckus and opens the door. Well, there goes cool. I pick it all up and start to hand it to him and drop the charger. Jesus. I pray to God he didn't see how bad my hands were shaking when I picked that up. I look inside and to make matters worse, he has a friend over. A male friend, whom I know, but nonetheless someone is there to witness my lack of breeziness.
I cannot explain what came over me but I was pissed. I'm pretty sure he asked me something and I answered but I couldn't tell you what. I had to get out of there. I walked back to my car and was in tears before I made it inside. UGH! So stupid. I felt like he invited over a friend to have as a buffer for the awkward situation, making it even more awkward for me. It astounds me, after 2 years, and after as caring as he was and aware of my feelings for the last 8 months or so, that he can be so uncaring now. I was in fact so pissed about this that I made yet another wrong choice and called him. From the parking lot of his complex. I tried to explain how difficult he was making this and ask why he was acting the way he was and all I could get out of him was that he was afraid if we got into a conversation I would start asking questions and want him to talk about things. His way of dealing with stuff is to ignore it and it will go away so heaven forbid we have a conversation about how we're both doing now.
I desperately need to get over this need I have to talk to him about it. I don't need to rehash any of the reasons behind the breakup, and I don't want anything from him, I definitely don't want to get back together, but for some reason I do want to go to him with my feelings and him to do the same. Not gonna happen. He's a guy, and he's made it clear that he's not interested in doing that. I need to forget the guy he was when we were together and get it into my thick skull that this person with zero compassion is who he is now and move on.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Day 86: What is going on?!
I'm flipping the fuck out!! I don't know what my deal is. I keep doing and saying things that are having a negative affect on others. Unintentionally of course. I tried to be honest with a friend about my uneasiness with returning home and somehow that turned into me insulting her life...what?! I de-friended ex on facebook and now he's MIA. Granted it was just yesterday but still. He disappeared from gmail just after and hasn't been back since. Plus, I emailed him to make sure he knew it was something I needed to do for me, not about him, and haven't heard back. Again, that was just this morning so I probably need to calm the hell down. I'm freaking out about so many different things and all I want to do is call and cry to him about it. I came this close *holds fingers close together* to skyping him to see if he's upset with me and cry about my woes. I decided to blog instead. Thank Goodness! Can you imagine? I would have called, all kinds of a mess, he would have been breezy and acted like nothing was wrong and he just hadn't had a chance to reply yet (whether true or not,) and I would have been left lookin' the emotional fool...AGAIN!
Stop it *insert real name*! You are fine. Your return home will be fine. Ex doesn't care if you are upset. You don't care that he doesn't care. You will get a job within a week of returning home. You will meet a kind, funny, handsome man on the plane who happens to live in *insert city where I live* and will fall madly in love. Oh, I went one too far didn't I? Ah well, my pep talk helped a bit I suppose. Okay, maybe now I can sleep.
And that was Day 86: Batshit crazy lady here
Stop it *insert real name*! You are fine. Your return home will be fine. Ex doesn't care if you are upset. You don't care that he doesn't care. You will get a job within a week of returning home. You will meet a kind, funny, handsome man on the plane who happens to live in *insert city where I live* and will fall madly in love. Oh, I went one too far didn't I? Ah well, my pep talk helped a bit I suppose. Okay, maybe now I can sleep.
And that was Day 86: Batshit crazy lady here
Monday, June 21, 2010
Day 84: I'm losin' it man
I've never been good at dealing with emotions. I'm a suppress-er. Then they end up coming out in some unrelated, confusing way. So I think I'm having a hard time with all of my emotions about leaving here and going home. So, today I'm super irritable. And I had a conversation with ex that just didn't help. I don't know if he is a large cause of the irritability or if I'm being overly sensitive because of my emotions about other things buried in there. Like I said, I want to get the computer back, maybe talk a bit, and be done with it. I don't want to go to his apartment. So I offered going to lunch, my treat, for letting me use the computer for so long. He didn't respond. I asked later if he didn't get the message, since he didn't respond, and he still didn't respond. Keep in mind through all of this I've seen him on and off of gmail chat and posting things on facebook. Then, I get an email this morning apologizing because he was busy with family during the first message and tired and out of at the second one?? That sounds like complete bullshit to me. You can't respond to an im and say, sure sounds good, or no let's talk later and figure something else out but you can make 3 status updates about Prison Break?! So needless to say, I was perturbed to start with. Then in the email, he says, "I guess that'd be okay..." Well hell don't let me twist your arm to allow me to pay for your lunch.
So, angrily (which is always a mistake) I im'ed him to say I would just drop the computer off. He said "alright." UGGGHHH annoying effing breeziness! I finally put out there that I was just trying to be nice with the lunch and if he didn't want to no big deal and he said he was "indifferent" I got angry and sarcastic at that point, totally lost my cool ,and went over to Facebook to delete him from my friends list. OOPS. I did warn him in the beginning that I may have to do this for my own well being. Getting over someone isn't easy when you see their facebook activity all the time. So I did it and now I can't take it back. It was probably a bit drastic but I guess maybe it was a good thing to cut that tie. I was way too into what he was doing on facebook and gmail and that's just not necessary and not healthy for me.
So no I'm left at I'm just not doing any more. He knows what day I fly in, if he wants his computer back he can just email or call me and I'll take it by. I'm not putting myself back out there any more to try and be friends or whatever.
And that's day 84- frustrated!
So, angrily (which is always a mistake) I im'ed him to say I would just drop the computer off. He said "alright." UGGGHHH annoying effing breeziness! I finally put out there that I was just trying to be nice with the lunch and if he didn't want to no big deal and he said he was "indifferent" I got angry and sarcastic at that point, totally lost my cool ,and went over to Facebook to delete him from my friends list. OOPS. I did warn him in the beginning that I may have to do this for my own well being. Getting over someone isn't easy when you see their facebook activity all the time. So I did it and now I can't take it back. It was probably a bit drastic but I guess maybe it was a good thing to cut that tie. I was way too into what he was doing on facebook and gmail and that's just not necessary and not healthy for me.
So no I'm left at I'm just not doing any more. He knows what day I fly in, if he wants his computer back he can just email or call me and I'll take it by. I'm not putting myself back out there any more to try and be friends or whatever.
And that's day 84- frustrated!
Day 83: Moving Forward
As I’ve mentioned, I keep going back and forth on this whole mess. Sometimes I just want things back the way they were, sometimes I’m excited about what’s coming in the future, and sometimes I’m terrified at the prospect of dating again. But, that’s what this blog is for. To document the ups and downs of how I’m feeling and get through. I think it’s an interesting social experiment for reflection in the future. Anyway, so today’s feeling is ready. I’m ready to close the door, tie up loose strings, be done, and move on. I don’t know where that came from honestly. I decided when I get home next week, I need to see him right away to get his computer back to him. I don’t want to wait it out and let myself get anxious about the situation and what might happen. I want to give it back and be done. That doesn’t mean not ever talk to him again. I’ve said before and I still feel that we could be decent friends. But I’m still analyzing things and having weird thoughts and I think once I get home, return the computer, and get settled back into my life, I’ll be able to move forward and see what else is out there. That’s what I want, but I’m also terrified.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Day 78: Wow, 2 in a row, I'm a mess
If I’m being completely honest, which, I keep telling myself I’m doing here and then realize I’m not entirely, anyway, if I am, I keep hoping he’ll suddenly realize how much he misses me and that he wants it all back. I think that’s normal to secretly hope that right? Even if it’s not even what you want? It’s just that feeling of being wanted. The thing is I tell myself these things are normal and I’m strong and I know better than to go back to the same thing, but I’m realizing a similar pattern to our breakup from before. I told myself it was good, it was what I needed, I could move on, while secretly hoping he would want to get back together just so that I could say NO. And when the time came and he wanted to get back together, I didn’t say NO, I said a weak, “I don’t think it’s a good idea” leaving it open for him to keep trying. Eventually I gave in and a year and a half later, here we are in the same place. So now I fear that I’m just repeating time. When in reality, this time should be different. A lot more time, effort, and emotion went into the relationship this third time around so if it’s over after all of that, it’s really over. Plus I’ve been over and over the reason we’re through, it just won’t work in the future. Too many differences. So why do I find myself picturing the same scenario, him wanting to try again, feeling the mistake of letting me go, blah blah blah, and me saying, “No, this is for the best. We were both right to do this. It’s hard now but it’ll get better. We’ll just hit the same walls if we try again.”
Would I really be able to say that this time? I think so. I hope so.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Day 77: teeter tooter
I recently talked to another foreign English teacher here who is also going through a breakup with her long distant boyfriend. While our situations weren't quite the same, we did agree that it's quite the emotional roller-coaster (to be completely cliche). I thought it would slowly but surely get better and better. However, I still have really down days. I don't cry about it, and I don't feel like I was punched in the stomach, but I have weak days where I wonder if we're doing the right thing. Could it work when I get back? Could I look past the minor faults (everyone has something, right?)? Would he still want to be with me? Am I giving up on a great relationship for stupid reasons?
I know the answers to these questions. I know that when I do have the doubtful days, it's only out of loneliness. I know that one day I'll be in a great relationship and laugh that I thought this one could have been it (well, I hope more than know on that one). But maaaaan, those days of doubt are frustrating. It's crazy how much I can convince myself of something that's totally different from the day before. UGH!
I go home in two weeks. I think that's why I'm slightly digressing. I'm kind of nervous about going home and possibly seeing him. Is that something we should do? Grab a bite, chat? I don't know. For all I know he won't think anything of me being home and I'm being all worrisome for no reason. But mainly, I'm nervous about going home and trying again. I've been in and out of this relationship with him for two years, which may not be much but it's been my entire experience with dating as an adult. I have no idea what to do with myself now. Plus, having every single person I know at home be in a relationship is not going to be easy. I have maybe two friends, who are actually friends of friends, who are single. All of my closest friends and every single sibling has a significant other. I think this is what I'm most freaking out about. Right now I get to kind of ignore it. I feel the pain of the breakup, but I can push off "moving on" because I'm out of the country. When I get home.... it'll be time to put myself out there and I just don't know what in the hell that's going to be like or how to even do it!
And that's skipping ahead to day 77: frustrated and anxious
I know the answers to these questions. I know that when I do have the doubtful days, it's only out of loneliness. I know that one day I'll be in a great relationship and laugh that I thought this one could have been it (well, I hope more than know on that one). But maaaaan, those days of doubt are frustrating. It's crazy how much I can convince myself of something that's totally different from the day before. UGH!
I go home in two weeks. I think that's why I'm slightly digressing. I'm kind of nervous about going home and possibly seeing him. Is that something we should do? Grab a bite, chat? I don't know. For all I know he won't think anything of me being home and I'm being all worrisome for no reason. But mainly, I'm nervous about going home and trying again. I've been in and out of this relationship with him for two years, which may not be much but it's been my entire experience with dating as an adult. I have no idea what to do with myself now. Plus, having every single person I know at home be in a relationship is not going to be easy. I have maybe two friends, who are actually friends of friends, who are single. All of my closest friends and every single sibling has a significant other. I think this is what I'm most freaking out about. Right now I get to kind of ignore it. I feel the pain of the breakup, but I can push off "moving on" because I'm out of the country. When I get home.... it'll be time to put myself out there and I just don't know what in the hell that's going to be like or how to even do it!
And that's skipping ahead to day 77: frustrated and anxious
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Day 49: The call
I called ex yesterday. I've been wondering off and on as I said in my last post what was going on with him being absent from g-mail chat and not even seeing how things are going for me. I really don't obsess over it every minute of the day, but every once in awhile something would make me think about it again. When I started having weird dreams that I can't really remember the details of but know it has something to do with my worrying about this situation, I decided I should just ask him. Well, I said in my last post that I had emailed him a few weeks ago and he avoided that part of my questioning. So, I decided to call. First time I've talked to him over the phone/skype since the breakup conversation (I believe). Well it didn't start out well when he said "May I ask who's calling?" I'm not that surprised, it had happened a couple of times even when we were dating because the skype number comes up unavailable and sometimes the sound quality is bad, but still, felt strange. I asked if he was busy, and he said he was. Strike 2. So I said we could talk some other time but then he said that was okay, he had a few minutes. Well I kind of hemmed and hawed for a minute but eventually, per typical me, just came right out and said what I was concerned about. I don't know how to do things in a round about way to make me sound less crazy... frustrating.
Well long story short, the response was as expected. He's been busy with work, blah blah blah, nothing more to it, of course.
So that's that, I had a moment of weakness... over-active imagination... I suck
Well long story short, the response was as expected. He's been busy with work, blah blah blah, nothing more to it, of course.
So that's that, I had a moment of weakness... over-active imagination... I suck
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Day 44: Moving right along
Wow, day 44, part of me feels it may be a bit sad and ridiculous of me to keep track of the days after a breakup but I promise, I'm doing it for creative composition purposes only. Every time I start a new entry I have to go to my calendar and count the days, I don't wake up every morning and say to myself, "*sigh* it's been ____ days since we broke up...*sigh*" lol
So lately our "relationship" whatever it may be has taken a turn for the weird. It started out with some sadness, a lot of hurt, and maybe a little anger. Then it turned into being able to talk to each other about everyday things, staying in good, regular contact to build a friendship.
Then, he disappeared. Like fell off the face of the...err, Internet. He and I are both ALWAYS on Gmail chat. If I'm awake, I'm on chat. If he's home (anytime he isn't at work), he's on chat. We've both just always been in the habit of staying on it to be available for each other. However, I know it's not just me, he talks to other people on chat too. So why the sudden disappearance? I waited it out, figured work is probably busy. Then after about a week I finally caved and emailed him. Casually mentioned he had been MIA, asked how things were going, etc. He emailed me back, seemed normal, told me about being busy, asked how I was, but didn't respond to the MIA comment. So I responded with the things going on new for me and then straight out asked, why aren't you on Gmail chat?.... Nada, no response, weird.
Of course my first reaction is to think that he doesn't want me to see him online because maybe I said something weird last time we talked (I tend to think everything is about me at first) so I went back to our last chat before he stopped showing up, but nothing weird. So then I realized it wasn't a big deal, I don't have any rights to this situation, drop it. A week later, still no little green circle by his name. WTF?
I had one really bad morning and g-chatted "hey, are you there?" I wanted to know if he was invisible? why? if not, why doesn't he get on gmail anymore? did I do something? and so on... well he responded about an hour or so later, after I'd had a chance to cool the hell out with my irrational thoughts, so now I'm freakin' out all over again because what am I going to say? I don't want to tell him I'm freaking out about him not being on Gmail because then I'm the loser in the breakup, if that makes sense, I don't know, whatever. So I finally decide on "oh, never mind, I don't need anything now" He said "Are you sure?" So I decided to keep it honest and said "I had a moment of weakness but I know better than that, I'm fine now" And that was that. We haven't talked since.
So lately our "relationship" whatever it may be has taken a turn for the weird. It started out with some sadness, a lot of hurt, and maybe a little anger. Then it turned into being able to talk to each other about everyday things, staying in good, regular contact to build a friendship.
Then, he disappeared. Like fell off the face of the...err, Internet. He and I are both ALWAYS on Gmail chat. If I'm awake, I'm on chat. If he's home (anytime he isn't at work), he's on chat. We've both just always been in the habit of staying on it to be available for each other. However, I know it's not just me, he talks to other people on chat too. So why the sudden disappearance? I waited it out, figured work is probably busy. Then after about a week I finally caved and emailed him. Casually mentioned he had been MIA, asked how things were going, etc. He emailed me back, seemed normal, told me about being busy, asked how I was, but didn't respond to the MIA comment. So I responded with the things going on new for me and then straight out asked, why aren't you on Gmail chat?.... Nada, no response, weird.
Of course my first reaction is to think that he doesn't want me to see him online because maybe I said something weird last time we talked (I tend to think everything is about me at first) so I went back to our last chat before he stopped showing up, but nothing weird. So then I realized it wasn't a big deal, I don't have any rights to this situation, drop it. A week later, still no little green circle by his name. WTF?
I had one really bad morning and g-chatted "hey, are you there?" I wanted to know if he was invisible? why? if not, why doesn't he get on gmail anymore? did I do something? and so on... well he responded about an hour or so later, after I'd had a chance to cool the hell out with my irrational thoughts, so now I'm freakin' out all over again because what am I going to say? I don't want to tell him I'm freaking out about him not being on Gmail because then I'm the loser in the breakup, if that makes sense, I don't know, whatever. So I finally decide on "oh, never mind, I don't need anything now" He said "Are you sure?" So I decided to keep it honest and said "I had a moment of weakness but I know better than that, I'm fine now" And that was that. We haven't talked since.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Day 30: When do you fall out of love?
When do you fall out of love after a breakup? Is it immediately upon deciding you will no longer be together? Of course not. So when does it happen? I already know the general answer to this, over time blah blah blah....everyone is different and will take their own pace....yada yada yada.
I wonder how many times people realize that they never truly "loved" that person. Can you really for real love someone and still know it's best to not be with them? That sounds like a load of crap to me.
One thing we had in common was that we weren't very good at the "L-word." People would ask me "Have you guys said I love you yet?" and he thought that was crazy, of course none of his guy friends were asking him that, but girls do, apparently. When he finally did, I of course felt it myself, but still had a hard time saying it back. From the first time, until the breakup (probably about a month later) we still only said it a handful of times. I initiated it once...right after sex. I think that's a normal emotion haha. He said it to me when he kissed me goodbye at the airport and when I stupidly asked him about it later, he said that he meant it. I have a hard time deciding how I feel. If you question whether or not you love someone shouldn't that answer it for you? Or what if I really am that emotionally inept that I can't figure it out. I know that I would have done just about anything for him. I know that I 90% of the time put his needs or wants before mine. You do that because you love someone right? But I knew I didn't want to marry him. So I doubted if I could truly love someone but not want to spend the rest of my life with them.
So, say I was indeed, "in love," then when does that stop? Will I wake up one day and realize that feeling is over? Or will it take another guy in the picture to finally dissolve those feelings?
I wonder how many times people realize that they never truly "loved" that person. Can you really for real love someone and still know it's best to not be with them? That sounds like a load of crap to me.
One thing we had in common was that we weren't very good at the "L-word." People would ask me "Have you guys said I love you yet?" and he thought that was crazy, of course none of his guy friends were asking him that, but girls do, apparently. When he finally did, I of course felt it myself, but still had a hard time saying it back. From the first time, until the breakup (probably about a month later) we still only said it a handful of times. I initiated it once...right after sex. I think that's a normal emotion haha. He said it to me when he kissed me goodbye at the airport and when I stupidly asked him about it later, he said that he meant it. I have a hard time deciding how I feel. If you question whether or not you love someone shouldn't that answer it for you? Or what if I really am that emotionally inept that I can't figure it out. I know that I would have done just about anything for him. I know that I 90% of the time put his needs or wants before mine. You do that because you love someone right? But I knew I didn't want to marry him. So I doubted if I could truly love someone but not want to spend the rest of my life with them.
So, say I was indeed, "in love," then when does that stop? Will I wake up one day and realize that feeling is over? Or will it take another guy in the picture to finally dissolve those feelings?
*I called you from my old cell phone last night before bed. I got some message first in Chinese than English that I couldn't make a call but I just wanted to press my speed dial #3 and see your name pop up above the picture of you holding your nephew. I don't know why. It made me tear up. I blame Period and Jodi Picoult for that.*
And that was Day 30: a question with no answer
And that was Day 30: a question with no answer
Day 29: i miss it
I miss having the confidante. I know I have plenty of friends for that, and am thankful for them! They have been incredible through this whole thing. BUT, I miss running to you to tell you that I jumped off a mountain strapped in a parachute or that best friend is pregnant (well I did that second one anyway, even though you didn't care at all). I miss having someone ask me how the drama is going for the competition this weekend. Friends have too much going on in their lives to remember something so small, and not that you don't, that was part of the problem, the time commitment, but I would have complained to you about the stress of it enough times for you to know it's coming up this Saturday and ask about it. I did tell you about it before we broke up, how I had to write the script and the beginning of play practice. And I half expected you to actually remember and ask about it today, for some reason. But, I should know better, it took a lot of effort on your part to remember my stuff as well as yours and why would you be making that effort any more?
And that's Day 29: feeling another part of the loss
And that's Day 29: feeling another part of the loss
Day 27: irony
Today I watched the video of my roomie's wedding. She had an A Capella group singing All 4 One's "So Much in Love" as we walked down the aisle. Gorgeous! I realized while I was watching the video and listening to them sing "so in love, so much in love" over and over again that it was ex who was holding my camera and recording that video the day before we broke up. The irony was not lost on me.
And that was day 27: A weird moment
And that was day 27: A weird moment
Day 22: Nothing interesting
I'm updating merely for the fact that it's been several days since I last did. I really don't have anything interesting to say. I mean, maybe I haven't ever had anything interesting to say to anybody besides myself on this blog, but, today I have no...new thoughts. We chat a little, I'm doing my best to be a friend and not care or show too much attention that he's sick or injured or stressed or whatnot. It's actually not as hard as I thought it would be. I didn't have to try to make myself care about those things, it comes very naturally for me to care for someone, but it wasn't as hard as I expected to stop it.
I even checked out some guys at the gym today lol. I mean, that's it, just looked. Didn't chat or even smile or nod. Keep in mind I'm living in a foreign country and speak very, very little of the language so there's really no reason to start flirting with someone.
And that was Day 22: Boring, thank goodness
I even checked out some guys at the gym today lol. I mean, that's it, just looked. Didn't chat or even smile or nod. Keep in mind I'm living in a foreign country and speak very, very little of the language so there's really no reason to start flirting with someone.
And that was Day 22: Boring, thank goodness
Day 18: reoccuring role
I thought that my tears had signed a two week contract but apparently they have a reoccurring role. Today was the first day in....I don't even know, at least a week it seems like, that I shed some tears. I started g-chatting with ex, which thus far has gone well for the most part, and some how the conversation came back around to the reason behind our breakup. Which, I've said all along, I know that it was the right thing to happen, but when we had the actual breakup conversation, it was a lot of his feelings and reasoning behind it. We talked about the way various people had responded to the news and what we were telling them. I've mostly been saying "we had a lot of issues that we got good at ignoring....yada yada..."keep it vague. And he said a couple of times "same as I told you...." which just irked me the wrong way. And of course, I told him that. We had a conversation, the two of us, together, he didn't tell me how it was. Actually he didn't on his own accord tell me anything. He was a pansy about it, nothing new for him, and I had to beat it out of him. I asked him to be specific about what he "told me" and he was so difficult about it, saying stuff like "what you forget already?" So of course, I started to cry, out of frustration. He didn't know that of course since it was g-chat.
All in all, as awful as it seemed like it was going, the conversation ended on a good note. I told him, yet again that the whole not wanting to have the responsibility of being a boyfriend was a crock of shit and doesn't come out of nowhere like that after 2 and half years. He FINALLY mentioned some other aspects of the reasoning that I could respect. We've always had the religious differences that we knew all along could be problematic in the future. But, there were other things he did that I didn't agree with. I didn't harp on him about it if they were once in awhile, but he knew that I didn't want them to be a major part of his future. It wasn't ever a huge deal, but I guess he'd been feeling for awhile that he didn't want to feel guilty anytime he felt the need to...partake, in some things. I think that is completely valid. I wouldn't want him to feel guilty about doing something he wants to do. But it's also just not something I enjoy, or like the idea of my partner doing. Just like he expressed, I'd been worried about this aspect of our relationship for awhile also.
I eventual told him that I think I'm probably thankful, or one day will be, that he was finally able to vocalize the things I'd been worried about but too scared to risk losing the relationship over. I thought of an analogy while I was talking to him, which was comical because we both do that and NEVER understand the other one's analogy haha. But, I think that I was holding onto him like the only life preserver within sight in the ocean. There are more life preservers floating around out there, they're just out of my line of sight right now.
And that was Day 18: finally satisfied
All in all, as awful as it seemed like it was going, the conversation ended on a good note. I told him, yet again that the whole not wanting to have the responsibility of being a boyfriend was a crock of shit and doesn't come out of nowhere like that after 2 and half years. He FINALLY mentioned some other aspects of the reasoning that I could respect. We've always had the religious differences that we knew all along could be problematic in the future. But, there were other things he did that I didn't agree with. I didn't harp on him about it if they were once in awhile, but he knew that I didn't want them to be a major part of his future. It wasn't ever a huge deal, but I guess he'd been feeling for awhile that he didn't want to feel guilty anytime he felt the need to...partake, in some things. I think that is completely valid. I wouldn't want him to feel guilty about doing something he wants to do. But it's also just not something I enjoy, or like the idea of my partner doing. Just like he expressed, I'd been worried about this aspect of our relationship for awhile also.
I eventual told him that I think I'm probably thankful, or one day will be, that he was finally able to vocalize the things I'd been worried about but too scared to risk losing the relationship over. I thought of an analogy while I was talking to him, which was comical because we both do that and NEVER understand the other one's analogy haha. But, I think that I was holding onto him like the only life preserver within sight in the ocean. There are more life preservers floating around out there, they're just out of my line of sight right now.
And that was Day 18: finally satisfied
Day 15: The spell isn't broken
I just realized I repeated a title twice so I'm sorry that I couldn't come up with anything more clever to say than "a good sign" haha
Anyway, today I had a minor obsessive setback. Ex's sister is officially coming here to visit and I was worried about how he would take things. Plus I accidentally emailed him some of the things I had said to his sister about our breakup, nothing bad, but still embarrassing to be read by him... Don't even ask how I could be so idiotic. So I tried to contact him about it, find out how he's feeling and didn't get a response. It was only a couple of days, but I saw him online for a little bit and figured if he was fine he would have responded to me then. So, assuming the worse and most dramatic scenario as I always do, I skype-texted him to tell him that by not responding to me he was just making me more concerned and he knows how worried I get and surely he wouldn't do that to me on purpose. Well, he responded when he got home and asked how school was..? Um, fine...but back to the topic weighing heavily on my mind, how are you with everything? Still didn't respond and finally when I said I give up, I'll stop asking you about it, he said he "would be okay" Well that doesn't make me feel any better but I know now I can stop obsessing over it, there's nothing more I can do. I offered an understanding, listening ear and if he doesn't want to discuss it so be it.
I wish a relationship-->breakup could be like a magic spell being broken...poof! Gone! Just because we broke up doesn't mean I completely forgot what your schedule is. That's something that worked well for us, I did planning and scheduling and you liked not being responsible for those details. So of course I still remember that you have wing night on Monday's with the guys and a hockey game on Tuesday. That stuff didn't just evaporate from my memory unfortunately. And you know what else doesn't just disappear? The worry and concern. I still find myself concerned with how you're feeling whether it be upset or stressed, overworked, and I want to fix things, talk you through it. It's what I do, I like taking care of and supporting someone. It's a process for me to cut out all of those feelings even more so than the physical and emotional ones I think.
And that was Day 15: Realizing that it really is going to take more than a couple of weeks to work past this.
Anyway, today I had a minor obsessive setback. Ex's sister is officially coming here to visit and I was worried about how he would take things. Plus I accidentally emailed him some of the things I had said to his sister about our breakup, nothing bad, but still embarrassing to be read by him... Don't even ask how I could be so idiotic. So I tried to contact him about it, find out how he's feeling and didn't get a response. It was only a couple of days, but I saw him online for a little bit and figured if he was fine he would have responded to me then. So, assuming the worse and most dramatic scenario as I always do, I skype-texted him to tell him that by not responding to me he was just making me more concerned and he knows how worried I get and surely he wouldn't do that to me on purpose. Well, he responded when he got home and asked how school was..? Um, fine...but back to the topic weighing heavily on my mind, how are you with everything? Still didn't respond and finally when I said I give up, I'll stop asking you about it, he said he "would be okay" Well that doesn't make me feel any better but I know now I can stop obsessing over it, there's nothing more I can do. I offered an understanding, listening ear and if he doesn't want to discuss it so be it.
I wish a relationship-->breakup could be like a magic spell being broken...poof! Gone! Just because we broke up doesn't mean I completely forgot what your schedule is. That's something that worked well for us, I did planning and scheduling and you liked not being responsible for those details. So of course I still remember that you have wing night on Monday's with the guys and a hockey game on Tuesday. That stuff didn't just evaporate from my memory unfortunately. And you know what else doesn't just disappear? The worry and concern. I still find myself concerned with how you're feeling whether it be upset or stressed, overworked, and I want to fix things, talk you through it. It's what I do, I like taking care of and supporting someone. It's a process for me to cut out all of those feelings even more so than the physical and emotional ones I think.
And that was Day 15: Realizing that it really is going to take more than a couple of weeks to work past this.
Day 14: A Good Sign
I skipped an entire weekend of entries, and, even better, I don't feel like going back and writing one for each day. I'll take that as a good sign that I have less and less going through my head about this. I do have one reoccurring concern that really has to do with the breakup in general and not so much the ex. Even though this is a so-called private blog (I keep it public but keep my identity private and have kept it secret from anyone who knows me) I've found that I've still clung to the habit of being vague and safe like I do with my travel blog for my friends and family. I would never type anything super negative or any intimate details. But here, I should feel comfortable doing that right? I've opened up, but still hold back on some things.
Well one constant thing probing at me is...s-e-x. (pun unintended LOL, I noticed it when I read back over the entry) Ex was my first. I had planned on waiting until marriage, but changed my mind. It wasn't so much an oops so much for that, I planned it, talked about it, went to the doctor first...all the right steps to making that decision. And I'm very comfortable with it, no regrets. However, where do I go from here? I can't still use the "no sex before marriage" rule against future dates when I already have. But I also do not want to become active with multiple partners while trying to find Mr. Right. As 60's housewife as I'm about to sound, I fear we live in a society where sex is not only a normal but even expected part of dating in your twenties. Hell, dating at all. I'm already worried about finding someone new, but I feel like my unwillingness to sleep with future dates will make it all the harder for me. I can just hear people's response to this fear. "The right guy will come along" "You just be yourself and someone will appreciate that"... blah blah blah. We'll see about that. Or maybe we'll see 3rd date after 3rd date that never turns into a 4th because I won't put out.
Well one constant thing probing at me is...s-e-x. (pun unintended LOL, I noticed it when I read back over the entry) Ex was my first. I had planned on waiting until marriage, but changed my mind. It wasn't so much an oops so much for that, I planned it, talked about it, went to the doctor first...all the right steps to making that decision. And I'm very comfortable with it, no regrets. However, where do I go from here? I can't still use the "no sex before marriage" rule against future dates when I already have. But I also do not want to become active with multiple partners while trying to find Mr. Right. As 60's housewife as I'm about to sound, I fear we live in a society where sex is not only a normal but even expected part of dating in your twenties. Hell, dating at all. I'm already worried about finding someone new, but I feel like my unwillingness to sleep with future dates will make it all the harder for me. I can just hear people's response to this fear. "The right guy will come along" "You just be yourself and someone will appreciate that"... blah blah blah. We'll see about that. Or maybe we'll see 3rd date after 3rd date that never turns into a 4th because I won't put out.
Day 10: Slight Slip
I only had a teared up moment today when your sister in law responded to my email. She is so sweet, hence my need to email her in the first place, and it was hard to read such kind words from her. Other than that, we've been talking every other day or so and it's gone surprisingly well. You haven't acted weird and distant, I haven't spazzed out and gotten clingy.... I can definitely see how much we've both matured in the past year and half since the last breakup.
I'm starting to really think this distance thing is going to be great for our friendship. We do a good job of e-communicating, and I think if we don't have to deal with awkward in-person encounters, and trying to get over the "chemistry," we're going to be able to create a good base for a friendship. And I'm okay with that.
And that was Day 9: Can you be ever truly be friends with someone you've been intimate with?
I'm starting to really think this distance thing is going to be great for our friendship. We do a good job of e-communicating, and I think if we don't have to deal with awkward in-person encounters, and trying to get over the "chemistry," we're going to be able to create a good base for a friendship. And I'm okay with that.
And that was Day 9: Can you be ever truly be friends with someone you've been intimate with?
Day 9: Talking it out
Wednesday is my work day with no classes. Therefore leaving me a lot of excess time to stew over my own over-processed thoughts. I had work to do, but of course spent the entire morning talking to friends on gchat and facebook, going over things. I had to make the breakup announcement to yet another person. I thought about doing a general facebook status announcement about it, so I wouldn't have to say it over and over again, but I've always thought that was weird when I've seen it on other people's profiles. It feels like such a private thing so why go announce it to 457 people 90% of whom I never actually speak to. So I opted not to do that leaving with the occasional awkward conversation where I have to say "oh by the way..."
So, a lot of conversation about it, but no tears today. I'm starting to feel numb again, just the way I like it.
And that was Day 9- procrastinating
So, a lot of conversation about it, but no tears today. I'm starting to feel numb again, just the way I like it.
And that was Day 9- procrastinating
Day 8: Back to the daily grind
Nice, distracting vacation is over and it's back to the day job. Somehow this is getting easier. Who knew? Well, aside from everyone who told me it would ;)
I'm still focusing on the "fix-it" stuff. I keep thinking back to that stupid Skype conversation. I pushed you. I was so hurt and upset and just wanted to get it all out and didn't let you do things in your own time. It hurt too much to drag it out. You said you weren't sure what to do, what if you regretted it in a month? And I answered, you will, but that's not a reason to keep you from doing what you feel now. Maybe what I should have said was, "let's think about this. Maybe we just need some time on our own to think through what we both want. Then, when we're cooled off and have thought it out, we can discuss what's best for us." But I didn't say that, I said come on, out with it, if you want to do it than just do it already. I analyze it over and over, but, I reacted that way for a reason. I could have fought it, but didn't. I didn't because I was feeling the exact same way. How can I be so upset about you feeling the same way I am? It's almost comical how ridiculous we can be (by we I mean humans in general haha).
The only thing that brought me to tears today... emailing the family. Now, let me say that friend....and friend....oh and other friend....and ex of course, all found it odd that I wanted to email the family. But, I think maybe people just don't understand our relationship. It makes sense to me. They never met the family or saw me with them so of course wouldn't have any concept of that relationship. But they felt like family to me, and treated me like family. It's not fair for that to just, poof, be done, no goodbye, no thank you, no good luck in your future endeavors. I just couldn't get past the need to say something! So I emailed them, mother, sister, and sister-in-law (it would be weird to send an emotional email to the males, I recognize that at least). I just said that I was so grateful to have met them and that they were wonderful to me and how hard that aspect of the breakup was going to be.
I just don't think that's weird!
And that was Day 8- 3 goodbyes and a smidgen of tears
I'm still focusing on the "fix-it" stuff. I keep thinking back to that stupid Skype conversation. I pushed you. I was so hurt and upset and just wanted to get it all out and didn't let you do things in your own time. It hurt too much to drag it out. You said you weren't sure what to do, what if you regretted it in a month? And I answered, you will, but that's not a reason to keep you from doing what you feel now. Maybe what I should have said was, "let's think about this. Maybe we just need some time on our own to think through what we both want. Then, when we're cooled off and have thought it out, we can discuss what's best for us." But I didn't say that, I said come on, out with it, if you want to do it than just do it already. I analyze it over and over, but, I reacted that way for a reason. I could have fought it, but didn't. I didn't because I was feeling the exact same way. How can I be so upset about you feeling the same way I am? It's almost comical how ridiculous we can be (by we I mean humans in general haha).
The only thing that brought me to tears today... emailing the family. Now, let me say that friend....and friend....oh and other friend....and ex of course, all found it odd that I wanted to email the family. But, I think maybe people just don't understand our relationship. It makes sense to me. They never met the family or saw me with them so of course wouldn't have any concept of that relationship. But they felt like family to me, and treated me like family. It's not fair for that to just, poof, be done, no goodbye, no thank you, no good luck in your future endeavors. I just couldn't get past the need to say something! So I emailed them, mother, sister, and sister-in-law (it would be weird to send an emotional email to the males, I recognize that at least). I just said that I was so grateful to have met them and that they were wonderful to me and how hard that aspect of the breakup was going to be.
I just don't think that's weird!
And that was Day 8- 3 goodbyes and a smidgen of tears
Day 7: It's only been a week??
uugghhh... I feel like I've been in this pain for ages now. I can't believe it's only been a week? How long until this is over?
I can't decide if the time of this is good or bad, I mean with me being out of the country. On the plus side, I have three months to pull myself together and not have to worry about running into ex or everything around me reminding me of him. Then, when I get home, hopefully I'll be ready for a new start. BUT, on the negative end of it, I'm so far away from friends who would be helping me through this. They are helping, tremendously, through email, but it's not the same as getting to have ice cream and chick flick nights with them. Plus, when I get home, I think life is going to be drastically different. I'll be right where I was when I left (in life) while everyone else has moved one. Roomie will be a wife and living with her husband, not me anymore. Friend will be preggers and living in Florida. Other friend will be an effing Doctor and contrary to what she claims, probably be living in Minnesota. I wouldn't be surprised if Sister was engaged by then too. OH, and other Friend, probably going to be engaged too. Awesome. That will all be super fun to come home to. I know that I should quite my bitching and be happy that I've had this experience that I'm having, but I can't help but be envious of everyone else and their life momentum.
Anyway, I got sidetracked.
Today, I contacted you. It started out great. I was determined to prove I could have a normal "Hey, how's it going?" conversation with you without turning it serious and scaring you away with my over-analyzing. Uh, I failed. Geez. I was all ready to go and just say goodbye but then it all projectile vomited out of fingers...again. At least you answered one of my questions and 2 of the things I've been focusing on and letting bother me were put to rest. Even though I was irritated with myself, I'm content with the outcome of the conversation, so thank you for that.
And that was Day 7- why do I try to hurt myself more??
I can't decide if the time of this is good or bad, I mean with me being out of the country. On the plus side, I have three months to pull myself together and not have to worry about running into ex or everything around me reminding me of him. Then, when I get home, hopefully I'll be ready for a new start. BUT, on the negative end of it, I'm so far away from friends who would be helping me through this. They are helping, tremendously, through email, but it's not the same as getting to have ice cream and chick flick nights with them. Plus, when I get home, I think life is going to be drastically different. I'll be right where I was when I left (in life) while everyone else has moved one. Roomie will be a wife and living with her husband, not me anymore. Friend will be preggers and living in Florida. Other friend will be an effing Doctor and contrary to what she claims, probably be living in Minnesota. I wouldn't be surprised if Sister was engaged by then too. OH, and other Friend, probably going to be engaged too. Awesome. That will all be super fun to come home to. I know that I should quite my bitching and be happy that I've had this experience that I'm having, but I can't help but be envious of everyone else and their life momentum.
Anyway, I got sidetracked.
Today, I contacted you. It started out great. I was determined to prove I could have a normal "Hey, how's it going?" conversation with you without turning it serious and scaring you away with my over-analyzing. Uh, I failed. Geez. I was all ready to go and just say goodbye but then it all projectile vomited out of fingers...again. At least you answered one of my questions and 2 of the things I've been focusing on and letting bother me were put to rest. Even though I was irritated with myself, I'm content with the outcome of the conversation, so thank you for that.
And that was Day 7- why do I try to hurt myself more??
Day 5 and 6: A good sign
I'm putting 2 Days in 1 post which is a good sign of things moving along. Friends and I went to a big music festival this weekend and I actually had a great time. I had some down moments when I got all in my head wondering if maybe you were finally trying to contact me back but I didn't have a computer all weekend. But overall, I felt ten times better. Being at the festival was a good opportunity to see a lot of people aka guys, and a lot of foreign guys. I didn't like it. I should have been all about getting back out there and flirting with all the guys, trying to meet knew people. And I tried to fake it for awhile. But in the end, I didn't want anything to do with it. I don't want to do all of that all over again. I like comfortable.
And that was Day 5 and 6- still down, but making my way back up to the surface
And that was Day 5 and 6- still down, but making my way back up to the surface
Day 4: A Valley
I know there are going to be a lot of ups and downs throughout this healing process, but knowing it doesn't make it any easier. Today was a down day. I spent all morning and early afternoon sick to my stomach. I convinced myself that I needed to talk to you about a couple of things and tried to call. You didn't answer. You haven't been on gchat. You know exactly how I am and I have started to convince myself that you're purposefully avoiding me. I talked to friend and she convinced me to contact her first, any time I feel like contacting you, so that she can stop me. Luckily we're getting away this weekend and hopefully it will take my mind off of things.
And that was Day 4- A step backwards
And that was Day 4- A step backwards
Day 3: Overall, a Better Day
Today was my first day back to teaching classes and it was totally helpful to keep busy. I even managed a morning shower without crying. I still felt like I had been punched in the stomach but no tears. After lunch we had a school-wide talent show. And that's when I made mistake number two. Looked at his Facebook page. I guess a few days ago I only saw one of the "comments" on a girl's photo and this time I saw a previous one. It was hard to see those comments coming from him toward another girl but even worse that this particular comment was from over the weekend. That's when I was in town, trying to spend as much time with my boyfriend as I could during a busy wedding weekend. Why were you already distancing yourself and looking at other girls during that time... what the hell happened?
So that was a bad move, I managed to hold back the water works but had to go to the talent show feeling awful. After school I knew I should have gone to the gym but I just couldn't. I sat on the couch watching TV and doing stuff on the computer until I fell asleep at 9, again. At least even though I can't get myself motivated to work out, I haven't been pigging out. Quite the opposite thankfully, I can't eat anything at all without feeling like I'm going to puke.
I tell myself over and over that this is a good thing and in a few years I'll be so thankful we didn't keep up the charade, but right now, I completely understand how girls end up staying with the wrong guy for years. Being with the wrong person has got to be better than feeling like this, but I know it would only be temporarily better.
AND THAT WAS DAY 3- one bad moment
So that was a bad move, I managed to hold back the water works but had to go to the talent show feeling awful. After school I knew I should have gone to the gym but I just couldn't. I sat on the couch watching TV and doing stuff on the computer until I fell asleep at 9, again. At least even though I can't get myself motivated to work out, I haven't been pigging out. Quite the opposite thankfully, I can't eat anything at all without feeling like I'm going to puke.
I tell myself over and over that this is a good thing and in a few years I'll be so thankful we didn't keep up the charade, but right now, I completely understand how girls end up staying with the wrong guy for years. Being with the wrong person has got to be better than feeling like this, but I know it would only be temporarily better.
AND THAT WAS DAY 3- one bad moment
Day 2: Back to Work
Now let me clarify for anyone reading who is unfamiliar with this relationship (that would be everyone because this is a secret blog)- It was bound to happen. We knew from the very first instance of flirting that it was a bad idea 2 and half years ago. We knew when we broke up the first time that we had issues. I knew when I ended it the second time that the issues weren't going to be fixed. And yet here we were, on our third go around, and we did an excellent job of ignoring the issues. Things were great. I was dating a completely different guy and I think I had become a different girl. But the issues were always there, we just decided we cared about each other enough to ignore them.
So when I made the mistake of asking a question, I just wanted to know what brought about this sudden clarity on his part. I've been questioning things for awhile, and I think deep down I knew it wasn't meant to be, but I can't shake this feeling that something happened suddenly on his side. The most confusing part for me is the Facebook flirting before we had even broken up. Clear indication that you were done yet I didn't know that yet. I can't believe it would come to that sort of end after a year+ of a really great, caring relationship.
So, I feel like I need some closure, and I had a moment of weakness and asked. It didn't go well. I didn't get any answer and I left the conversation feeling like the weaker party in this breakup. Luckily I left my power cord at home and had a good excuse to ask to leave for a few minutes. I let myself have a good hard sob at home before going back and I know it's hard for guys to understand, but I think I really needed to get that out.
That evening I forced myself to make dinner plans and stay out of the apt. But when I got back I was asleep as soon as I hit the couch.
AND THAT WAS DAY 2- Less tears, same nausea
Day 1: The Breakup
It goes without saying that I was an emotional wreck. Still trying to get home after a day and a half of traveling, missing all of my friends and family, and then an awful conversation that ends in a breakup. I bawled on the train. Ridiculous. I tried to get it all out in the bathroom, but there was no end in sight so I had to sit my puffy faced self back down next to the woman who probably thought I was insane. It took ages to fall asleep but I had a 3 hour train ride. I woke up as we were arriving at my stop and I actually did feel a bit better. I was surprised to find a bit of sleep helped.
When I got back I made up a spot on the couch. I think if I would have gone to my bedroom, I wouldn't have come out for a month (except for work). I don't want to go into a shell and not be able to climb back out. I'm going to be upset, that's a given, but I know better than to let myself quit life. So, I chose the couch over my bed and caught up on my shows. That evening I briefly told roommate and friend (who brought over dinner for me) what happened and then I completely passed out at 8:00 (while friend was still there :/ oops).
AND THAT WAS DAY 1- infinite tears and constant nausea
When I got back I made up a spot on the couch. I think if I would have gone to my bedroom, I wouldn't have come out for a month (except for work). I don't want to go into a shell and not be able to climb back out. I'm going to be upset, that's a given, but I know better than to let myself quit life. So, I chose the couch over my bed and caught up on my shows. That evening I briefly told roommate and friend (who brought over dinner for me) what happened and then I completely passed out at 8:00 (while friend was still there :/ oops).
AND THAT WAS DAY 1- infinite tears and constant nausea
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