I have a crush! How fun is that?! I feel all giddy and 16ish...but I'll get back to that in a minute.
First, my recent dates.
Friday night I had dinner with a new Internet guy...I guess that would make this 16? I think We went to an Asian restaurant that was overpriced and not great. But all in all in was okay. I, as usual, didn't really feel any chemistry but that's nothing new and he was worth a second shot. Saturday I made plans with 17, also new. I had to work that night and it went pretty late so by the time I got off work we didn't have many options. I ended up going to his apartment which is definitely against my better judgement for a first date but I texted my friend his address haha It was pretty good, easy conversation. Same old same old though, wasn't sure I felt any chemistry. Turns out I haven't heard from him anyway so I don't have to worry about whether to try again or not.
Today 16 asked if I wanted to have dinner at a place where you can play some games too. I definitely had fun but realized I just wasn't going to feel anything towards him. Then, the end of the date came, we were in the middle of the parking lot and I went to hug him goodbye, but unfortunately he went in for a kiss and I ended up giving him a pursed lip peck, then a hug....aaaahhhhh soooooo awkward. oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh it was one of those horrendously embarrassing awkward moments that you fear happening throughout the entire date but it actually did happen. Long story short he texted me after to apologize for the awkward kiss and express interest in another date so I told him the truth, that I had fun but didn't feel any chemistry. Once again, no one has made it past the 2 date curse.
Okay okay, back to the crush =)
I've talked to 2 friends about it now who both think maybe having these stronger feelings for crush than I realized I had is affecting my feelings towards all the other guys. Which leads me to the question: Can you only "like" one guy at a time? Surely not.
Now there are 2 problems, well kind of 3, with crush. 1, he is considerably younger than me and I know that might not bother some people, but it weirds me out a little and is part of the reason it has taken me so long to acknowledge the crush. See, crush is number 5. This is the point where it would be fun to actually have readers who go scrolling back to find out which one 5 was.
Another issue is that he's totally hotter than me, truth be told. Friend said that was stupid of me to make that decision for myself but it's true. The only thing that evens it out a little is the fact that I'm the "older woman" but if he were 5 years older or I was 5 years younger, he would be way out of my league. I have about 20 pounds to lose and he's....mmm, just yummy ;) We barely talk at work, I can never figure out how to flirt with him which is weird because I flirt easily with other guys at work who I'm not interested in, just for fun. We've never hung out outside of work so I don't know how to figure out if he'd even be interested without flat out asking and well that is just plain scary.
I don't normally care, but I wish I had readers at this point to give me feedback.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Day 331: Slacking on the purpose
Although this blog had multiple purposes, originally, a major one was to have something to look back on (for myself) and see the progression from crazed and heartbroken to sane and happy. I've kinda slacked off in that regard. It seems the only time I get on her and blog is when something has happened with ex or I'm having especially depressed feelings about this single life. SO, this one is a new phase. Day 331 is the first blog entry about my new life of dating.
I guess the best way to go about this is to assign them numbers.
1- friend set me up with coworker. Problem was coworker made sudden plans to move back to hometown (out of state) prior to the date. We went out anyway, had fun, but of course nothing further came of it.
2-a groomsmen at work asked me out afterward. Decided to remain open minded even though I wasn't super into it. Should have gone with my first instinct, ugh.
3- another party-goer from work invited me out after. Much better than first one. Went on second date. Planned third date, then it didn't happen. End of story.
I'm just going to go ahead and put out there, since no one I know reads this (hopefully) and say that the new round of dates came from internet dating. I had a very, very horrible weekend revolving around ex, I think I may have actually wrote about it in the last blog entry, which prompted me to take people's advice and turn to the world wide web. So, without further ado:
4-met divorcee with 2 kids at starbucks. the end
5 & 6- made out with 2 coworkers, at the company Christmas party, in a coat closet....not both at the same time, and alcohol was definitely involved, obvi (I'm not proud of these 2 but whatev, I'm apparently reliving 21)
7-coffee date again. Cute, my age, never married, no kids, buuut really not very intelligent at all. To the point that it was difficult to have conversation.
8- finally a decent date. fun, normal guy, good conversation but I just didn't know if there was any spark/chemistry. He was definitely worth a second shot though. The next time he met friend and me out at a bar for a few drinks. Same thing, he was fun, good conversation but still wasn't feeling anything I thought I should be feeling. We planned a third date but it just never ended up happening. I guess he picked up on the lack of effort on my part.
9- lunch date and ding ding ding! chemistry, right off the bat, finally! HOWEVER, apparently I was the only one feeling it. On a side note, I have now met 8 internet guys, I have only felt sparks with one of them, who happens to also be the only one who did not express any interest in a second day. The irony is not lost on me.
10- coffee date, blah, def sure I wasn't interested in a second.
11- met another guy from a wedding at work, I actually went way out of my normal zone of comfort with him and brought him back to my place. I did not feel this was a stupid, dangerous move for 2 reasons. 1. He was from out of state therefore had no idea where I lived when I took him there. 2. I live with a guy so I felt I could yell for help if necessary. No sex was involved, I'm still sticking to my whole not wanting to have a "number" thing. I like to remain at 1 until the guy I'm going to marry if possible. But if I end up in another long term relationship that doesn't work out then I want to stick to 1 at least until I can call someone a boyfriend haha
12-dinner date, back to internet guys... this one was quite far out of my age range (10 years older) but decent conversation and I decided worth a second try. On the second date I went to his apt and he cooked an absolutely delicious dinner. However, I was totally weirded out by the his hand caressing/massaging my scalp while watching TV lol that was the end of that.
13-dull, that's all I have to say
14- friend set me up with hubby's friend. It was a friend who I don't see often and apparently did not know me well because Mr. lack of personality was most certainly not a good match.
15-back to internet, met a guy for dinner and drinks. For some reason he was funnier in writing than in person, strange. Still wanted to try another date though. Went on second date to fantastic Thai restaurant. I'm not sure if this one is going to break the 2 date curse though. I'm just not feeling what I think I should be feeling.
That's it, the whole 1-15 catch up =) hopefully I'll do a better job of staying on top of these dates more often (absolutely no pun intended)
I guess the best way to go about this is to assign them numbers.
1- friend set me up with coworker. Problem was coworker made sudden plans to move back to hometown (out of state) prior to the date. We went out anyway, had fun, but of course nothing further came of it.
2-a groomsmen at work asked me out afterward. Decided to remain open minded even though I wasn't super into it. Should have gone with my first instinct, ugh.
3- another party-goer from work invited me out after. Much better than first one. Went on second date. Planned third date, then it didn't happen. End of story.
I'm just going to go ahead and put out there, since no one I know reads this (hopefully) and say that the new round of dates came from internet dating. I had a very, very horrible weekend revolving around ex, I think I may have actually wrote about it in the last blog entry, which prompted me to take people's advice and turn to the world wide web. So, without further ado:
4-met divorcee with 2 kids at starbucks. the end
5 & 6- made out with 2 coworkers, at the company Christmas party, in a coat closet....not both at the same time, and alcohol was definitely involved, obvi (I'm not proud of these 2 but whatev, I'm apparently reliving 21)
7-coffee date again. Cute, my age, never married, no kids, buuut really not very intelligent at all. To the point that it was difficult to have conversation.
8- finally a decent date. fun, normal guy, good conversation but I just didn't know if there was any spark/chemistry. He was definitely worth a second shot though. The next time he met friend and me out at a bar for a few drinks. Same thing, he was fun, good conversation but still wasn't feeling anything I thought I should be feeling. We planned a third date but it just never ended up happening. I guess he picked up on the lack of effort on my part.
9- lunch date and ding ding ding! chemistry, right off the bat, finally! HOWEVER, apparently I was the only one feeling it. On a side note, I have now met 8 internet guys, I have only felt sparks with one of them, who happens to also be the only one who did not express any interest in a second day. The irony is not lost on me.
10- coffee date, blah, def sure I wasn't interested in a second.
11- met another guy from a wedding at work, I actually went way out of my normal zone of comfort with him and brought him back to my place. I did not feel this was a stupid, dangerous move for 2 reasons. 1. He was from out of state therefore had no idea where I lived when I took him there. 2. I live with a guy so I felt I could yell for help if necessary. No sex was involved, I'm still sticking to my whole not wanting to have a "number" thing. I like to remain at 1 until the guy I'm going to marry if possible. But if I end up in another long term relationship that doesn't work out then I want to stick to 1 at least until I can call someone a boyfriend haha
12-dinner date, back to internet guys... this one was quite far out of my age range (10 years older) but decent conversation and I decided worth a second try. On the second date I went to his apt and he cooked an absolutely delicious dinner. However, I was totally weirded out by the his hand caressing/massaging my scalp while watching TV lol that was the end of that.
13-dull, that's all I have to say
14- friend set me up with hubby's friend. It was a friend who I don't see often and apparently did not know me well because Mr. lack of personality was most certainly not a good match.
15-back to internet, met a guy for dinner and drinks. For some reason he was funnier in writing than in person, strange. Still wanted to try another date though. Went on second date to fantastic Thai restaurant. I'm not sure if this one is going to break the 2 date curse though. I'm just not feeling what I think I should be feeling.
That's it, the whole 1-15 catch up =) hopefully I'll do a better job of staying on top of these dates more often (absolutely no pun intended)
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Day 258: Here we go again
I just don't understand it. I have feelings and hurt and sadness all over again. Where did this come from? How is it nine months later and I'm still trying to get through this?? It was only a 2 year, on and off, relationship. We weren't married, we weren't living together, we didn't even say those three words until the last month of the relationship. I don't know how people who were more invested than I was get through this shit! I've been just fine for sooo long, and suddenly I'm nauseous and fighting back tears again. I guess I'll explain in a little bit more detail what brought this all on.
Last week I texted ex. I wanted to find where we had gotten the gift we got when his nephew was born. When he texted me back he said, "You're not pregnant are you??" and said that he was nervous when I didn't respond back right away. I replied that no, I wasn't pregnant, my sister was, and why would that make him nervous? It couldn't be his unless I was popping out a baby like now. He said that he wasn't worried about that he just couldn't imagine me having a baby out of wedlock. oooookk...well, then he said "hey, are you living with a dude? I thought I saw that somewhere" I told him yes, I that I moved to *insert suburb* about 2 months ago. So he responded, "This is none of my business but are you just living with him or dating him?" I told him he was just my roommate I met a couple of people on a website and liked his place and area the best and he's cool so it's working out well. He was just like oh that's cool.
Okay so that conversation was weird but whatever.
Fast forward a few days. I went to the pep rally for the school I used to work at to visit everyone. I saw a bunch of my old students and one of my very first students told me he was playing in the basketball game that evening and asked if I would come to watch. So I decided after I got out of work I could run back over there (not far from my current job) and see my kiddos play. When I got there ex was there. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that he might go to the game. I kind of thought it would be possible to run into him earlier in the day at the pep rally but I just didn't think anything about the game. So, for some reason I got super nervous. I've seen him twice since we broke up and they were both very quick stops at his apt to drop something of or pick something up. I really hate that I felt the way I didn't and couldn't control it, but I decided to just try and make things as normal as possible so I walked past and found a seat in the bleachers. I don't know if he saw me or not but I didn't make any eye contact with him the whole game. I walked out after and talked to some of my old colleagues and then went back in for the varsity game. That time it was a lot more crowded and there weren't many open seats. He saw me and said hi, I asked if there was someone sitting in the seat right in front of him and he said ya some girl was so I asked about the seat behind him. It was open so I climbed up between him and someone else and sat right behind him. I was thinking to myself the whole time, we can be normal, we can have a conversation and it won't be weird if we run into each and see each other. I don't know why I continue to kid myself and have such high expectations of him. He actually used to always say that, if I didn't have high expectations I wouldn't be disappointed. Classy right?
Even though I know he has minimal social skills and is horrible at handling uncomfortable situations I still convinced myself we could have a normal conversation and I was mistaken. He didn't look at or talk to me once. Finally after the first quarter I asked him for the score because I couldn't see the scoreboard from my angle. He told me the score and flipped back around. I asked who was ahead, he told me we were and flipped back around. I decided to try and actually start a conversation and asked him how his tutoring was going (something he had mentioned earlier in the week) and he said it was really good...AND flipped back around. Ugh....I was soo frustrated and embarrassed and just decided it was time to go. I had gone to watch the JV game anyway and was meeting a friend that night so wasn't planning on staying for the varsity game anyway.
The final chapter of this little saga, was later that night. My friend came over and we made the mistake of getting on ex"s facebook page. I defriended him early on in the breakup because it was just something I needed to do for me but she was still friends with him. I saw two recent pictures he was tagged in from his friend's wedding. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I saw him with her. I can't even come up with a name to use for her. Well I can think of a lot but I won't go there.
This girl, has been quite possibly the worst thing to come into our relationship. She came along the first time we were broken up. She is not a nice person, has way too many issues, and did not stop pursuing him when he told her he was uninterested because we were going to try dating again. I am not being the girlfriend who blames the "other" girl and lets the guy off the hook. TO MY KNOWLEDGE, he never did anything wrong. We were not together while he was hanging out with her, I had dated other people and we discussed it all openly. He made the decision on his own that he wasn't interested in her and wanted me and I was very happy that I gave him space and let him get there on his own. Well she came up here and there after all of that because as I may have stated in an earlier post, he partook in an activity that I didn't approve of and she was his "provider." I tried so hard to not be a nagging, controlling type of girlfriend so I never told him or asked him to stop doing it or stop getting it from her. I never really regretted that until now. Now that I see her in the picture with him I can't help but wonder what I don't know. And I know it's going to be a huge mistake, but I'm going to email him and ask. To be quite honest, for health reasons, I want to know. I've said before that he was my first and is currently the only so if he was with someone else during our relationship and especially if it was her, I would be very, very concerned.
That's all, I have to stop now because I'm so sick of feeling like this so long after.
Last week I texted ex. I wanted to find where we had gotten the gift we got when his nephew was born. When he texted me back he said, "You're not pregnant are you??" and said that he was nervous when I didn't respond back right away. I replied that no, I wasn't pregnant, my sister was, and why would that make him nervous? It couldn't be his unless I was popping out a baby like now. He said that he wasn't worried about that he just couldn't imagine me having a baby out of wedlock. oooookk...well, then he said "hey, are you living with a dude? I thought I saw that somewhere" I told him yes, I that I moved to *insert suburb* about 2 months ago. So he responded, "This is none of my business but are you just living with him or dating him?" I told him he was just my roommate I met a couple of people on a website and liked his place and area the best and he's cool so it's working out well. He was just like oh that's cool.
Okay so that conversation was weird but whatever.
Fast forward a few days. I went to the pep rally for the school I used to work at to visit everyone. I saw a bunch of my old students and one of my very first students told me he was playing in the basketball game that evening and asked if I would come to watch. So I decided after I got out of work I could run back over there (not far from my current job) and see my kiddos play. When I got there ex was there. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that he might go to the game. I kind of thought it would be possible to run into him earlier in the day at the pep rally but I just didn't think anything about the game. So, for some reason I got super nervous. I've seen him twice since we broke up and they were both very quick stops at his apt to drop something of or pick something up. I really hate that I felt the way I didn't and couldn't control it, but I decided to just try and make things as normal as possible so I walked past and found a seat in the bleachers. I don't know if he saw me or not but I didn't make any eye contact with him the whole game. I walked out after and talked to some of my old colleagues and then went back in for the varsity game. That time it was a lot more crowded and there weren't many open seats. He saw me and said hi, I asked if there was someone sitting in the seat right in front of him and he said ya some girl was so I asked about the seat behind him. It was open so I climbed up between him and someone else and sat right behind him. I was thinking to myself the whole time, we can be normal, we can have a conversation and it won't be weird if we run into each and see each other. I don't know why I continue to kid myself and have such high expectations of him. He actually used to always say that, if I didn't have high expectations I wouldn't be disappointed. Classy right?
Even though I know he has minimal social skills and is horrible at handling uncomfortable situations I still convinced myself we could have a normal conversation and I was mistaken. He didn't look at or talk to me once. Finally after the first quarter I asked him for the score because I couldn't see the scoreboard from my angle. He told me the score and flipped back around. I asked who was ahead, he told me we were and flipped back around. I decided to try and actually start a conversation and asked him how his tutoring was going (something he had mentioned earlier in the week) and he said it was really good...AND flipped back around. Ugh....I was soo frustrated and embarrassed and just decided it was time to go. I had gone to watch the JV game anyway and was meeting a friend that night so wasn't planning on staying for the varsity game anyway.
The final chapter of this little saga, was later that night. My friend came over and we made the mistake of getting on ex"s facebook page. I defriended him early on in the breakup because it was just something I needed to do for me but she was still friends with him. I saw two recent pictures he was tagged in from his friend's wedding. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I saw him with her. I can't even come up with a name to use for her. Well I can think of a lot but I won't go there.
This girl, has been quite possibly the worst thing to come into our relationship. She came along the first time we were broken up. She is not a nice person, has way too many issues, and did not stop pursuing him when he told her he was uninterested because we were going to try dating again. I am not being the girlfriend who blames the "other" girl and lets the guy off the hook. TO MY KNOWLEDGE, he never did anything wrong. We were not together while he was hanging out with her, I had dated other people and we discussed it all openly. He made the decision on his own that he wasn't interested in her and wanted me and I was very happy that I gave him space and let him get there on his own. Well she came up here and there after all of that because as I may have stated in an earlier post, he partook in an activity that I didn't approve of and she was his "provider." I tried so hard to not be a nagging, controlling type of girlfriend so I never told him or asked him to stop doing it or stop getting it from her. I never really regretted that until now. Now that I see her in the picture with him I can't help but wonder what I don't know. And I know it's going to be a huge mistake, but I'm going to email him and ask. To be quite honest, for health reasons, I want to know. I've said before that he was my first and is currently the only so if he was with someone else during our relationship and especially if it was her, I would be very, very concerned.
That's all, I have to stop now because I'm so sick of feeling like this so long after.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Day 229: We're rapidly approaching a year geez
I can't believe it's been 229 days. I can't believe how crazy it sounds to know the exact number haha, but as I've explained in an earlier post, I had to actually go into the calendar and count to figure it out. I'm well past overdue for an update. The point of this thing was for me and my healing process as well as possibly some future entertainment or enlightenment even. Well, I think it's still a little too early to go back and read through it all so I don't know about entertainment or enlightenment yet but I do think it was successful in helping me through the healing process. Writing out my feelings instead of fighting back whether or not to try and talk to him was a great decision. He wasn't my "caring" boyfriend anymore so he was not interested in hearing all of my thoughts and talking out the breakup. But my blog sure was! =)
Well last time I posted I had finally gotten some good karma and things turned around a bit for me. I hadn't had any contact with him whatsoever until Halloween weekend when I drunk texted him. UGH sooo stupid. The weird thing is that I didn't text or seem to have any feelings of reminiscing or anything of a sexual connotation. I quit literally texted him complete and utter nonsense. I will share a close version of that conversation.
Me: "Football duff lobster tooth fairy wohoo"
ex: "haha, are you okay?"
Me: 'Grrrrreat says the tiger"
ex: "holy shit someone's wasted!"
Me: "wasted good"...blah blah blah blah
And the conversation continued with how's the job and so on but I those first two were definitely top marks for quirkiness. Then, the next night, he texted me drunk from the bars. I apparently opened Pandora's box and was not very happy about that. But, I haven't heard from him since then so hopefully that was just a one time bad weekend thing.
Onto a new and better topic: DATING
I know this is titled "Post Breakup" but part of getting through that process is dating again and that's the progression I was interested in looking back on someday in the future.
I think I probably mentioned the one guy my friend wanted me to go out with in an earlier post but he was moving away and so on. That was the first "date." I also of course have had fwb going on in the beginning but that ended in August and we haven't hung out since.
With one of my new part-time jobs I have the opportunity of meeting lots of guys. So one guy asked me for my number and if I wanted to go out with him and some of his friends after I got done at work. I decided I complain too much about not having a social life to say no so I decided to remain open-minded even though in all shallowness he wasn't that cute and was too awkward socially for my liking.
I went, found him even more awkward and unattractive, his grammar was poor, and he offered me pot (why can't I get away from these guys who smoke!). I told thanks but I don't do that. He got all freaked out and started apologizing?? I don't know. I said it wasn't a big deal and I appreciated the offer it was just something I personally wasn't into. I left and on my way home he texted me another apology, gross. So that was that but at least I gave it a shot.
Last Saturday same thing happened again with another guy and I actually was more interested in this one. We ended up actually having a good time and have made plans to go out again. I know I know, lame details but I've spent the past week over-detailing to multiple people and quite honestly I'm tired of it and starting to worry I'm going to talk about it too much and then nothing will happen with it. We're supposed to be doing something on Monday so we'll see and maybe I'll actually get back on here again next week and update!
Well last time I posted I had finally gotten some good karma and things turned around a bit for me. I hadn't had any contact with him whatsoever until Halloween weekend when I drunk texted him. UGH sooo stupid. The weird thing is that I didn't text or seem to have any feelings of reminiscing or anything of a sexual connotation. I quit literally texted him complete and utter nonsense. I will share a close version of that conversation.
Me: "Football duff lobster tooth fairy wohoo"
ex: "haha, are you okay?"
Me: 'Grrrrreat says the tiger"
ex: "holy shit someone's wasted!"
Me: "wasted good"...blah blah blah blah
And the conversation continued with how's the job and so on but I those first two were definitely top marks for quirkiness. Then, the next night, he texted me drunk from the bars. I apparently opened Pandora's box and was not very happy about that. But, I haven't heard from him since then so hopefully that was just a one time bad weekend thing.
Onto a new and better topic: DATING
I know this is titled "Post Breakup" but part of getting through that process is dating again and that's the progression I was interested in looking back on someday in the future.
I think I probably mentioned the one guy my friend wanted me to go out with in an earlier post but he was moving away and so on. That was the first "date." I also of course have had fwb going on in the beginning but that ended in August and we haven't hung out since.
With one of my new part-time jobs I have the opportunity of meeting lots of guys. So one guy asked me for my number and if I wanted to go out with him and some of his friends after I got done at work. I decided I complain too much about not having a social life to say no so I decided to remain open-minded even though in all shallowness he wasn't that cute and was too awkward socially for my liking.
I went, found him even more awkward and unattractive, his grammar was poor, and he offered me pot (why can't I get away from these guys who smoke!). I told thanks but I don't do that. He got all freaked out and started apologizing?? I don't know. I said it wasn't a big deal and I appreciated the offer it was just something I personally wasn't into. I left and on my way home he texted me another apology, gross. So that was that but at least I gave it a shot.
Last Saturday same thing happened again with another guy and I actually was more interested in this one. We ended up actually having a good time and have made plans to go out again. I know I know, lame details but I've spent the past week over-detailing to multiple people and quite honestly I'm tired of it and starting to worry I'm going to talk about it too much and then nothing will happen with it. We're supposed to be doing something on Monday so we'll see and maybe I'll actually get back on here again next week and update!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Day 153: Wow
It's probably a good sign that it took a lot of work to figure out the number for my title and that it's been so long since I've updated. But, I'm not doing this for the viewers (obviously, haha, I don't think there are any) I'm doing this for me so, I decided it's time to update. Last time I posted I described the horrific scene with ex where I managed to lose all sense of how to be cool and breezy. Well, although nothing else is going well for me right now someone out there decided to give me a "redo" and thank goodness for that! Ex called me to tell me that he had come across a chair of mine. I completely forgot that I gave it to them forever ago when they were short on living room furniture. I happened to be on his side of town anyway that evening so I told his I'd stop by after to pick it up. I made sure I looked and felt confident before going over there and was FINALLY able to pull off breezy! Ha, it actually wasn't hard, I didn't have to try, or fake it, I really did feel confident and completely over things so I guess that's what came across. He on the other hand, not so breezy my friend. I was literally smiling when I got into my car after because he was so awkward and seemed nervous. I cannot stress how good that felt.
I suppose it's about time now for this blog to transition into a dating blog instead of a post-up. It has been 153 days, apparently, and I'm back in the country, so no excuses anymore, time to get out there (aside from the fact that I'm currently living with the 'rents so I'm not full out attempting to date until I get my own place). However, I did have one date. Friend set me up with her colleague and it went really well. Only problem was about a week before the date he had accepted a job back in his home state and was moving. So, we knew going into it that it wouldn't really go anywhere and we were able to just hang out with friend and her bf and have a good time.
I've also been hanging out a lot with bgf (best-guy friend). We've known each other since middle school and at some point after college started to become fwb off and on. As soon as I got back into the country, we started hanging out and per our typical style, started messing around again. It's weird because we ALWAYS end up doing this, yet we've never tried just regular old dating, haha. I adore him and value his friendship enormously and hate that we always eff it up with our damn hormones. So we talked and decided that we're too good of friends to let it get all muddled and need to halt the physical activity. To be entirely too honest (lord help me if anyone I know actually stumbled upon this), doing "stuff" with him just made me think a lot of ex, unfortunately. He was a fixer-upper in a lot of areas on how to be a good boyfriend but that just wasn't one of them. The guy had skills and you can't help but compare when someone new comes along. What if I start dating someone I really like, but he's just not as good as ex? Ugh, that would suck (no pun intended, ha!) I had zero experience in this regard prior to ex and surprisingly that isn't a conversation I've had with my friends even though we talk about everything. So, I'm really curious how this will play out in my future.
And that was day 100-153
I suppose it's about time now for this blog to transition into a dating blog instead of a post-up. It has been 153 days, apparently, and I'm back in the country, so no excuses anymore, time to get out there (aside from the fact that I'm currently living with the 'rents so I'm not full out attempting to date until I get my own place). However, I did have one date. Friend set me up with her colleague and it went really well. Only problem was about a week before the date he had accepted a job back in his home state and was moving. So, we knew going into it that it wouldn't really go anywhere and we were able to just hang out with friend and her bf and have a good time.
I've also been hanging out a lot with bgf (best-guy friend). We've known each other since middle school and at some point after college started to become fwb off and on. As soon as I got back into the country, we started hanging out and per our typical style, started messing around again. It's weird because we ALWAYS end up doing this, yet we've never tried just regular old dating, haha. I adore him and value his friendship enormously and hate that we always eff it up with our damn hormones. So we talked and decided that we're too good of friends to let it get all muddled and need to halt the physical activity. To be entirely too honest (lord help me if anyone I know actually stumbled upon this), doing "stuff" with him just made me think a lot of ex, unfortunately. He was a fixer-upper in a lot of areas on how to be a good boyfriend but that just wasn't one of them. The guy had skills and you can't help but compare when someone new comes along. What if I start dating someone I really like, but he's just not as good as ex? Ugh, that would suck (no pun intended, ha!) I had zero experience in this regard prior to ex and surprisingly that isn't a conversation I've had with my friends even though we talk about everything. So, I'm really curious how this will play out in my future.
And that was day 100-153
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Day 100: Holy Crap
100 days sounds like sooo long. Okay, so, I'm back home. I just got back last week and now I really have to deal with this breakup. I was dealing with it before, somewhat, but now I'm back in familiar, memory-filled territory and I really have to face the music. I knew this was coming and I knew it'd be hard.
Today I took ex the last of his stuff. I told him that I was coming today and he gave me some ridiculous response about "I'm sure I could make some time..." Whatever, I decided not to comment on that and just take it and be done with it. As I said before, I wanted to go somewhere to do it but he wasn't keen on that idea. So finally I just took it to his apartment. I tried so hard to be cool, do the right thing, not be emotional, blah blah blah, and I failed...miserably. My first mistake was in being so determined to get his stuff to him. Why? I can't even answer that. I had his laptop. If he wanted it back he could have come to me for it. I should have told him that and just held onto it. But I hated that I had that tie to him and just wanted to be rid of it. Then, he got his way, as usual, and I came to him, he didn't even have to leave his apartment. I told myself that I could be cool, say hello, be breezy and leave. I didn't want to go inside at all.
SO what happens when I get there? I drop the wireless mouse and it hits the door on the way to the ground before the usb, cover, and battery all pop off of it. As I'm picking up the pieces and trying to hold onto the other stuff he apparently heard the ruckus and opens the door. Well, there goes cool. I pick it all up and start to hand it to him and drop the charger. Jesus. I pray to God he didn't see how bad my hands were shaking when I picked that up. I look inside and to make matters worse, he has a friend over. A male friend, whom I know, but nonetheless someone is there to witness my lack of breeziness.
I cannot explain what came over me but I was pissed. I'm pretty sure he asked me something and I answered but I couldn't tell you what. I had to get out of there. I walked back to my car and was in tears before I made it inside. UGH! So stupid. I felt like he invited over a friend to have as a buffer for the awkward situation, making it even more awkward for me. It astounds me, after 2 years, and after as caring as he was and aware of my feelings for the last 8 months or so, that he can be so uncaring now. I was in fact so pissed about this that I made yet another wrong choice and called him. From the parking lot of his complex. I tried to explain how difficult he was making this and ask why he was acting the way he was and all I could get out of him was that he was afraid if we got into a conversation I would start asking questions and want him to talk about things. His way of dealing with stuff is to ignore it and it will go away so heaven forbid we have a conversation about how we're both doing now.
I desperately need to get over this need I have to talk to him about it. I don't need to rehash any of the reasons behind the breakup, and I don't want anything from him, I definitely don't want to get back together, but for some reason I do want to go to him with my feelings and him to do the same. Not gonna happen. He's a guy, and he's made it clear that he's not interested in doing that. I need to forget the guy he was when we were together and get it into my thick skull that this person with zero compassion is who he is now and move on.
Today I took ex the last of his stuff. I told him that I was coming today and he gave me some ridiculous response about "I'm sure I could make some time..." Whatever, I decided not to comment on that and just take it and be done with it. As I said before, I wanted to go somewhere to do it but he wasn't keen on that idea. So finally I just took it to his apartment. I tried so hard to be cool, do the right thing, not be emotional, blah blah blah, and I failed...miserably. My first mistake was in being so determined to get his stuff to him. Why? I can't even answer that. I had his laptop. If he wanted it back he could have come to me for it. I should have told him that and just held onto it. But I hated that I had that tie to him and just wanted to be rid of it. Then, he got his way, as usual, and I came to him, he didn't even have to leave his apartment. I told myself that I could be cool, say hello, be breezy and leave. I didn't want to go inside at all.
SO what happens when I get there? I drop the wireless mouse and it hits the door on the way to the ground before the usb, cover, and battery all pop off of it. As I'm picking up the pieces and trying to hold onto the other stuff he apparently heard the ruckus and opens the door. Well, there goes cool. I pick it all up and start to hand it to him and drop the charger. Jesus. I pray to God he didn't see how bad my hands were shaking when I picked that up. I look inside and to make matters worse, he has a friend over. A male friend, whom I know, but nonetheless someone is there to witness my lack of breeziness.
I cannot explain what came over me but I was pissed. I'm pretty sure he asked me something and I answered but I couldn't tell you what. I had to get out of there. I walked back to my car and was in tears before I made it inside. UGH! So stupid. I felt like he invited over a friend to have as a buffer for the awkward situation, making it even more awkward for me. It astounds me, after 2 years, and after as caring as he was and aware of my feelings for the last 8 months or so, that he can be so uncaring now. I was in fact so pissed about this that I made yet another wrong choice and called him. From the parking lot of his complex. I tried to explain how difficult he was making this and ask why he was acting the way he was and all I could get out of him was that he was afraid if we got into a conversation I would start asking questions and want him to talk about things. His way of dealing with stuff is to ignore it and it will go away so heaven forbid we have a conversation about how we're both doing now.
I desperately need to get over this need I have to talk to him about it. I don't need to rehash any of the reasons behind the breakup, and I don't want anything from him, I definitely don't want to get back together, but for some reason I do want to go to him with my feelings and him to do the same. Not gonna happen. He's a guy, and he's made it clear that he's not interested in doing that. I need to forget the guy he was when we were together and get it into my thick skull that this person with zero compassion is who he is now and move on.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Day 86: What is going on?!
I'm flipping the fuck out!! I don't know what my deal is. I keep doing and saying things that are having a negative affect on others. Unintentionally of course. I tried to be honest with a friend about my uneasiness with returning home and somehow that turned into me insulting her life...what?! I de-friended ex on facebook and now he's MIA. Granted it was just yesterday but still. He disappeared from gmail just after and hasn't been back since. Plus, I emailed him to make sure he knew it was something I needed to do for me, not about him, and haven't heard back. Again, that was just this morning so I probably need to calm the hell down. I'm freaking out about so many different things and all I want to do is call and cry to him about it. I came this close *holds fingers close together* to skyping him to see if he's upset with me and cry about my woes. I decided to blog instead. Thank Goodness! Can you imagine? I would have called, all kinds of a mess, he would have been breezy and acted like nothing was wrong and he just hadn't had a chance to reply yet (whether true or not,) and I would have been left lookin' the emotional fool...AGAIN!
Stop it *insert real name*! You are fine. Your return home will be fine. Ex doesn't care if you are upset. You don't care that he doesn't care. You will get a job within a week of returning home. You will meet a kind, funny, handsome man on the plane who happens to live in *insert city where I live* and will fall madly in love. Oh, I went one too far didn't I? Ah well, my pep talk helped a bit I suppose. Okay, maybe now I can sleep.
And that was Day 86: Batshit crazy lady here
Stop it *insert real name*! You are fine. Your return home will be fine. Ex doesn't care if you are upset. You don't care that he doesn't care. You will get a job within a week of returning home. You will meet a kind, funny, handsome man on the plane who happens to live in *insert city where I live* and will fall madly in love. Oh, I went one too far didn't I? Ah well, my pep talk helped a bit I suppose. Okay, maybe now I can sleep.
And that was Day 86: Batshit crazy lady here
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