Day 86: What is going on?!

I'm flipping the fuck out!! I don't know what my deal is. I keep doing and saying things that are having a negative affect on others. Unintentionally of course. I tried to be honest with a friend about my uneasiness with returning home and somehow that turned into me insulting her life...what?! I de-friended ex on facebook and now he's MIA. Granted it was just yesterday but still. He disappeared from gmail just after and hasn't been back since. Plus, I emailed him to make sure he knew it was something I needed to do for me, not about him, and haven't heard back. Again, that was just this morning so I probably need to calm the hell down. I'm freaking out about so many different things and all I want to do is call and cry to him about it. I came this close *holds fingers close together* to skyping him to see if he's upset with me and cry about my woes. I decided to blog instead. Thank Goodness! Can you imagine? I would have called, all kinds of a mess, he would have been breezy and acted like nothing was wrong and he just hadn't had a chance to reply yet (whether true or not,) and I would have been left lookin' the emotional fool...AGAIN!

Stop it *insert real name*! You are fine. Your return home will be fine. Ex doesn't care if you are upset. You don't care that he doesn't care. You will get a job within a week of returning home. You will meet a kind, funny, handsome man on the plane who happens to live in *insert city where I live* and will fall madly in love. Oh, I went one too far didn't I? Ah well, my pep talk helped a bit I suppose. Okay, maybe now I can sleep.

And that was Day 86: Batshit crazy lady here

Day 84: I'm losin' it man

I've never been good at dealing with emotions. I'm a suppress-er. Then they end up coming out in some unrelated, confusing way. So I think I'm having a hard time with all of my emotions about leaving here and going home. So, today I'm super irritable. And I had a conversation with ex that just didn't help. I don't know if he is a large cause of the irritability or if I'm being overly sensitive because of my emotions about other things buried in there. Like I said, I want to get the computer back, maybe talk a bit, and be done with it. I don't want to go to his apartment. So I offered going to lunch, my treat, for letting me use the computer for so long. He didn't respond. I asked later if he didn't get the message, since he didn't respond, and he still didn't respond. Keep in mind through all of this I've seen him on and off of gmail chat and posting things on facebook. Then, I get an email this morning apologizing because he was busy with family during the first message and tired and out of at the second one?? That sounds like complete bullshit to me. You can't respond to an im and say, sure sounds good, or no let's talk later and figure something else out but you can make 3 status updates about Prison Break?! So needless to say, I was perturbed to start with. Then in the email, he says, "I guess that'd be okay..." Well hell don't let me twist your arm to allow me to pay for your lunch.

So, angrily (which is always a mistake) I im'ed him to say I would just drop the computer off. He said "alright." UGGGHHH annoying effing breeziness! I finally put out there that I was just trying to be nice with the lunch and if he didn't want to no big deal and he said he was "indifferent" I got angry and sarcastic at that point, totally lost my cool ,and went over to Facebook to delete him from my friends list. OOPS. I did warn him in the beginning that I may have to do this for my own well being. Getting over someone isn't easy when you see their facebook activity all the time. So I did it and now I can't take it back. It was probably a bit drastic but I guess maybe it was a good thing to cut that tie. I was way too into what he was doing on facebook and gmail and that's just not necessary and not healthy for me.

So no I'm left at I'm just not doing any more. He knows what day I fly in, if he wants his computer back he can just email or call me and I'll take it by. I'm not putting myself back out there any more to try and be friends or whatever.

And that's day 84- frustrated!

Day 83: Moving Forward

As I’ve mentioned, I keep going back and forth on this whole mess. Sometimes I just want things back the way they were, sometimes I’m excited about what’s coming in the future, and sometimes I’m terrified at the prospect of dating again. But, that’s what this blog is for. To document the ups and downs of how I’m feeling and get through. I think it’s an interesting social experiment for reflection in the future. Anyway, so today’s feeling is ready. I’m ready to close the door, tie up loose strings, be done, and move on. I don’t know where that came from honestly. I decided when I get home next week, I need to see him right away to get his computer back to him. I don’t want to wait it out and let myself get anxious about the situation and what might happen. I want to give it back and be done. That doesn’t mean not ever talk to him again. I’ve said before and I still feel that we could be decent friends. But I’m still analyzing things and having weird thoughts and I think once I get home, return the computer, and get settled back into my life, I’ll be able to move forward and see what else is out there. That’s what I want, but I’m also terrified.

Day 78: Wow, 2 in a row, I'm a mess

If I’m being completely honest, which, I keep telling myself I’m doing here and then realize I’m not entirely, anyway, if I am, I keep hoping he’ll suddenly realize how much he misses me and that he wants it all back. I think that’s normal to secretly hope that right? Even if it’s not even what you want? It’s just that feeling of being wanted. The thing is I tell myself these things are normal and I’m strong and I know better than to go back to the same thing, but I’m realizing a similar pattern to our breakup from before. I told myself it was good, it was what I needed, I could move on, while secretly hoping he would want to get back together just so that I could say NO. And when the time came and he wanted to get back together, I didn’t say NO, I said a weak, “I don’t think it’s a good idea” leaving it open for him to keep trying. Eventually I gave in and a year and a half later, here we are in the same place. So now I fear that I’m just repeating time. When in reality, this time should be different. A lot more time, effort, and emotion went into the relationship this third time around so if it’s over after all of that, it’s really over. Plus I’ve been over and over the reason we’re through, it just won’t work in the future. Too many differences. So why do I find myself picturing the same scenario, him wanting to try again, feeling the mistake of letting me go, blah blah blah, and me saying, “No, this is for the best. We were both right to do this. It’s hard now but it’ll get better. We’ll just hit the same walls if we try again.”

Would I really be able to say that this time? I think so. I hope so.

Day 77: teeter tooter

I recently talked to another foreign English teacher here who is also going through a breakup with her long distant boyfriend. While our situations weren't quite the same, we did agree that it's quite the emotional roller-coaster (to be completely cliche). I thought it would slowly but surely get better and better. However, I still have really down days. I don't cry about it, and I don't feel like I was punched in the stomach, but I have weak days where I wonder if we're doing the right thing. Could it work when I get back? Could I look past the minor faults (everyone has something, right?)? Would he still want to be with me? Am I giving up on a great relationship for stupid reasons?

I know the answers to these questions. I know that when I do have the doubtful days, it's only out of loneliness. I know that one day I'll be in a great relationship and laugh that I thought this one could have been it (well, I hope more than know on that one). But maaaaan, those days of doubt are frustrating. It's crazy how much I can convince myself of something that's totally different from the day before. UGH!

I go home in two weeks. I think that's why I'm slightly digressing. I'm kind of nervous about going home and possibly seeing him. Is that something we should do? Grab a bite, chat? I don't know. For all I know he won't think anything of me being home and I'm being all worrisome for no reason. But mainly, I'm nervous about going home and trying again. I've been in and out of this relationship with him for two years, which may not be much but it's been my entire experience with dating as an adult. I have no idea what to do with myself now. Plus, having every single person I know at home be in a relationship is not going to be easy. I have maybe two friends, who are actually friends of friends, who are single. All of my closest friends and every single sibling has a significant other. I think this is what I'm most freaking out about. Right now I get to kind of ignore it. I feel the pain of the breakup, but I can push off "moving on" because I'm out of the country. When I get home.... it'll be time to put myself out there and I just don't know what in the hell that's going to be like or how to even do it!

And that's skipping ahead to day 77: frustrated and anxious