Day 44: Moving right along

Wow, day 44, part of me feels it may be a bit sad and ridiculous of me to keep track of the days after a breakup but I promise, I'm doing it for creative composition purposes only. Every time I start a new entry I have to go to my calendar and count the days, I don't wake up every morning and say to myself, "*sigh* it's been ____ days since we broke up...*sigh*" lol

So lately our "relationship" whatever it may be has taken a turn for the weird. It started out with some sadness, a lot of hurt, and maybe a little anger. Then it turned into being able to talk to each other about everyday things, staying in good, regular contact to build a friendship.

Then, he disappeared. Like fell off the face of the...err, Internet. He and I are both ALWAYS on Gmail chat. If I'm awake, I'm on chat. If he's home (anytime he isn't at work), he's on chat. We've both just always been in the habit of staying on it to be available for each other. However, I know it's not just me, he talks to other people on chat too. So why the sudden disappearance? I waited it out, figured work is probably busy. Then after about a week I finally caved and emailed him. Casually mentioned he had been MIA, asked how things were going, etc. He emailed me back, seemed normal, told me about being busy, asked how I was, but didn't respond to the MIA comment. So I responded with the things going on new for me and then straight out asked, why aren't you on Gmail chat?.... Nada, no response, weird.

Of course my first reaction is to think that he doesn't want me to see him online because maybe I said something weird last time we talked (I tend to think everything is about me at first) so I went back to our last chat before he stopped showing up, but nothing weird. So then I realized it wasn't a big deal, I don't have any rights to this situation, drop it. A week later, still no little green circle by his name. WTF?

I had one really bad morning and g-chatted "hey, are you there?" I wanted to know if he was invisible? why? if not, why doesn't he get on gmail anymore? did I do something? and so on... well he responded about an hour or so later, after I'd had a chance to cool the hell out with my irrational thoughts, so now I'm freakin' out all over again because what am I going to say? I don't want to tell him I'm freaking out about him not being on Gmail because then I'm the loser in the breakup, if that makes sense, I don't know, whatever. So I finally decide on "oh, never mind, I don't need anything now" He said "Are you sure?" So I decided to keep it honest and said "I had a moment of weakness but I know better than that, I'm fine now" And that was that. We haven't talked since.