If I’m being completely honest, which, I keep telling myself I’m doing here and then realize I’m not entirely, anyway, if I am, I keep hoping he’ll suddenly realize how much he misses me and that he wants it all back. I think that’s normal to secretly hope that right? Even if it’s not even what you want? It’s just that feeling of being wanted. The thing is I tell myself these things are normal and I’m strong and I know better than to go back to the same thing, but I’m realizing a similar pattern to our breakup from before. I told myself it was good, it was what I needed, I could move on, while secretly hoping he would want to get back together just so that I could say NO. And when the time came and he wanted to get back together, I didn’t say NO, I said a weak, “I don’t think it’s a good idea” leaving it open for him to keep trying. Eventually I gave in and a year and a half later, here we are in the same place. So now I fear that I’m just repeating time. When in reality, this time should be different. A lot more time, effort, and emotion went into the relationship this third time around so if it’s over after all of that, it’s really over. Plus I’ve been over and over the reason we’re through, it just won’t work in the future. Too many differences. So why do I find myself picturing the same scenario, him wanting to try again, feeling the mistake of letting me go, blah blah blah, and me saying, “No, this is for the best. We were both right to do this. It’s hard now but it’ll get better. We’ll just hit the same walls if we try again.”
Would I really be able to say that this time? I think so. I hope so.
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