100 days sounds like sooo long. Okay, so, I'm back home. I just got back last week and now I really have to deal with this breakup. I was dealing with it before, somewhat, but now I'm back in familiar, memory-filled territory and I really have to face the music. I knew this was coming and I knew it'd be hard.
Today I took ex the last of his stuff. I told him that I was coming today and he gave me some ridiculous response about "I'm sure I could make some time..." Whatever, I decided not to comment on that and just take it and be done with it. As I said before, I wanted to go somewhere to do it but he wasn't keen on that idea. So finally I just took it to his apartment. I tried so hard to be cool, do the right thing, not be emotional, blah blah blah, and I failed...miserably. My first mistake was in being so determined to get his stuff to him. Why? I can't even answer that. I had his laptop. If he wanted it back he could have come to me for it. I should have told him that and just held onto it. But I hated that I had that tie to him and just wanted to be rid of it. Then, he got his way, as usual, and I came to him, he didn't even have to leave his apartment. I told myself that I could be cool, say hello, be breezy and leave. I didn't want to go inside at all.
SO what happens when I get there? I drop the wireless mouse and it hits the door on the way to the ground before the usb, cover, and battery all pop off of it. As I'm picking up the pieces and trying to hold onto the other stuff he apparently heard the ruckus and opens the door. Well, there goes cool. I pick it all up and start to hand it to him and drop the charger. Jesus. I pray to God he didn't see how bad my hands were shaking when I picked that up. I look inside and to make matters worse, he has a friend over. A male friend, whom I know, but nonetheless someone is there to witness my lack of breeziness.
I cannot explain what came over me but I was pissed. I'm pretty sure he asked me something and I answered but I couldn't tell you what. I had to get out of there. I walked back to my car and was in tears before I made it inside. UGH! So stupid. I felt like he invited over a friend to have as a buffer for the awkward situation, making it even more awkward for me. It astounds me, after 2 years, and after as caring as he was and aware of my feelings for the last 8 months or so, that he can be so uncaring now. I was in fact so pissed about this that I made yet another wrong choice and called him. From the parking lot of his complex. I tried to explain how difficult he was making this and ask why he was acting the way he was and all I could get out of him was that he was afraid if we got into a conversation I would start asking questions and want him to talk about things. His way of dealing with stuff is to ignore it and it will go away so heaven forbid we have a conversation about how we're both doing now.
I desperately need to get over this need I have to talk to him about it. I don't need to rehash any of the reasons behind the breakup, and I don't want anything from him, I definitely don't want to get back together, but for some reason I do want to go to him with my feelings and him to do the same. Not gonna happen. He's a guy, and he's made it clear that he's not interested in doing that. I need to forget the guy he was when we were together and get it into my thick skull that this person with zero compassion is who he is now and move on.
