I just don't understand it. I have feelings and hurt and sadness all over again. Where did this come from? How is it nine months later and I'm still trying to get through this?? It was only a 2 year, on and off, relationship. We weren't married, we weren't living together, we didn't even say those three words until the last month of the relationship. I don't know how people who were more invested than I was get through this shit! I've been just fine for sooo long, and suddenly I'm nauseous and fighting back tears again. I guess I'll explain in a little bit more detail what brought this all on.
Last week I texted ex. I wanted to find where we had gotten the gift we got when his nephew was born. When he texted me back he said, "You're not pregnant are you??" and said that he was nervous when I didn't respond back right away. I replied that no, I wasn't pregnant, my sister was, and why would that make him nervous? It couldn't be his unless I was popping out a baby like now. He said that he wasn't worried about that he just couldn't imagine me having a baby out of wedlock. oooookk...well, then he said "hey, are you living with a dude? I thought I saw that somewhere" I told him yes, I that I moved to *insert suburb* about 2 months ago. So he responded, "This is none of my business but are you just living with him or dating him?" I told him he was just my roommate I met a couple of people on a website and liked his place and area the best and he's cool so it's working out well. He was just like oh that's cool.
Okay so that conversation was weird but whatever.
Fast forward a few days. I went to the pep rally for the school I used to work at to visit everyone. I saw a bunch of my old students and one of my very first students told me he was playing in the basketball game that evening and asked if I would come to watch. So I decided after I got out of work I could run back over there (not far from my current job) and see my kiddos play. When I got there ex was there. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that he might go to the game. I kind of thought it would be possible to run into him earlier in the day at the pep rally but I just didn't think anything about the game. So, for some reason I got super nervous. I've seen him twice since we broke up and they were both very quick stops at his apt to drop something of or pick something up. I really hate that I felt the way I didn't and couldn't control it, but I decided to just try and make things as normal as possible so I walked past and found a seat in the bleachers. I don't know if he saw me or not but I didn't make any eye contact with him the whole game. I walked out after and talked to some of my old colleagues and then went back in for the varsity game. That time it was a lot more crowded and there weren't many open seats. He saw me and said hi, I asked if there was someone sitting in the seat right in front of him and he said ya some girl was so I asked about the seat behind him. It was open so I climbed up between him and someone else and sat right behind him. I was thinking to myself the whole time, we can be normal, we can have a conversation and it won't be weird if we run into each and see each other. I don't know why I continue to kid myself and have such high expectations of him. He actually used to always say that, if I didn't have high expectations I wouldn't be disappointed. Classy right?
Even though I know he has minimal social skills and is horrible at handling uncomfortable situations I still convinced myself we could have a normal conversation and I was mistaken. He didn't look at or talk to me once. Finally after the first quarter I asked him for the score because I couldn't see the scoreboard from my angle. He told me the score and flipped back around. I asked who was ahead, he told me we were and flipped back around. I decided to try and actually start a conversation and asked him how his tutoring was going (something he had mentioned earlier in the week) and he said it was really good...AND flipped back around. Ugh....I was soo frustrated and embarrassed and just decided it was time to go. I had gone to watch the JV game anyway and was meeting a friend that night so wasn't planning on staying for the varsity game anyway.
The final chapter of this little saga, was later that night. My friend came over and we made the mistake of getting on ex"s facebook page. I defriended him early on in the breakup because it was just something I needed to do for me but she was still friends with him. I saw two recent pictures he was tagged in from his friend's wedding. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I saw him with her. I can't even come up with a name to use for her. Well I can think of a lot but I won't go there.
This girl, has been quite possibly the worst thing to come into our relationship. She came along the first time we were broken up. She is not a nice person, has way too many issues, and did not stop pursuing him when he told her he was uninterested because we were going to try dating again. I am not being the girlfriend who blames the "other" girl and lets the guy off the hook. TO MY KNOWLEDGE, he never did anything wrong. We were not together while he was hanging out with her, I had dated other people and we discussed it all openly. He made the decision on his own that he wasn't interested in her and wanted me and I was very happy that I gave him space and let him get there on his own. Well she came up here and there after all of that because as I may have stated in an earlier post, he partook in an activity that I didn't approve of and she was his "provider." I tried so hard to not be a nagging, controlling type of girlfriend so I never told him or asked him to stop doing it or stop getting it from her. I never really regretted that until now. Now that I see her in the picture with him I can't help but wonder what I don't know. And I know it's going to be a huge mistake, but I'm going to email him and ask. To be quite honest, for health reasons, I want to know. I've said before that he was my first and is currently the only so if he was with someone else during our relationship and especially if it was her, I would be very, very concerned.
That's all, I have to stop now because I'm so sick of feeling like this so long after.
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