Day 77: teeter tooter

I recently talked to another foreign English teacher here who is also going through a breakup with her long distant boyfriend. While our situations weren't quite the same, we did agree that it's quite the emotional roller-coaster (to be completely cliche). I thought it would slowly but surely get better and better. However, I still have really down days. I don't cry about it, and I don't feel like I was punched in the stomach, but I have weak days where I wonder if we're doing the right thing. Could it work when I get back? Could I look past the minor faults (everyone has something, right?)? Would he still want to be with me? Am I giving up on a great relationship for stupid reasons?

I know the answers to these questions. I know that when I do have the doubtful days, it's only out of loneliness. I know that one day I'll be in a great relationship and laugh that I thought this one could have been it (well, I hope more than know on that one). But maaaaan, those days of doubt are frustrating. It's crazy how much I can convince myself of something that's totally different from the day before. UGH!

I go home in two weeks. I think that's why I'm slightly digressing. I'm kind of nervous about going home and possibly seeing him. Is that something we should do? Grab a bite, chat? I don't know. For all I know he won't think anything of me being home and I'm being all worrisome for no reason. But mainly, I'm nervous about going home and trying again. I've been in and out of this relationship with him for two years, which may not be much but it's been my entire experience with dating as an adult. I have no idea what to do with myself now. Plus, having every single person I know at home be in a relationship is not going to be easy. I have maybe two friends, who are actually friends of friends, who are single. All of my closest friends and every single sibling has a significant other. I think this is what I'm most freaking out about. Right now I get to kind of ignore it. I feel the pain of the breakup, but I can push off "moving on" because I'm out of the country. When I get home.... it'll be time to put myself out there and I just don't know what in the hell that's going to be like or how to even do it!

And that's skipping ahead to day 77: frustrated and anxious