I thought that my tears had signed a two week contract but apparently they have a reoccurring role. Today was the first day in....I don't even know, at least a week it seems like, that I shed some tears. I started g-chatting with ex, which thus far has gone well for the most part, and some how the conversation came back around to the reason behind our breakup. Which, I've said all along, I know that it was the right thing to happen, but when we had the actual breakup conversation, it was a lot of his feelings and reasoning behind it. We talked about the way various people had responded to the news and what we were telling them. I've mostly been saying "we had a lot of issues that we got good at ignoring....yada yada..."keep it vague. And he said a couple of times "same as I told you...." which just irked me the wrong way. And of course, I told him that. We had a conversation, the two of us, together, he didn't tell me how it was. Actually he didn't on his own accord tell me anything. He was a pansy about it, nothing new for him, and I had to beat it out of him. I asked him to be specific about what he "told me" and he was so difficult about it, saying stuff like "what you forget already?" So of course, I started to cry, out of frustration. He didn't know that of course since it was g-chat.
All in all, as awful as it seemed like it was going, the conversation ended on a good note. I told him, yet again that the whole not wanting to have the responsibility of being a boyfriend was a crock of shit and doesn't come out of nowhere like that after 2 and half years. He FINALLY mentioned some other aspects of the reasoning that I could respect. We've always had the religious differences that we knew all along could be problematic in the future. But, there were other things he did that I didn't agree with. I didn't harp on him about it if they were once in awhile, but he knew that I didn't want them to be a major part of his future. It wasn't ever a huge deal, but I guess he'd been feeling for awhile that he didn't want to feel guilty anytime he felt the need to...partake, in some things. I think that is completely valid. I wouldn't want him to feel guilty about doing something he wants to do. But it's also just not something I enjoy, or like the idea of my partner doing. Just like he expressed, I'd been worried about this aspect of our relationship for awhile also.
I eventual told him that I think I'm probably thankful, or one day will be, that he was finally able to vocalize the things I'd been worried about but too scared to risk losing the relationship over. I thought of an analogy while I was talking to him, which was comical because we both do that and NEVER understand the other one's analogy haha. But, I think that I was holding onto him like the only life preserver within sight in the ocean. There are more life preservers floating around out there, they're just out of my line of sight right now.
And that was Day 18: finally satisfied
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